Ok. Looking for those who have had a toxic relationship and then a healthy one. I have to laugh because it seems like such a silly question out loud. Long story short I was in a long abusive marriage. Divorced. Had one serious relationship that I ended after excusing too many red flags. So now, unexpectedly there is a guy- he knows my family well, I’ve known him since childhood, my kids speak fondly of him, he knows my past but he’s showing interest in me - but I’m searching for red flags and none so far. He’s been upfront and honest, even putting out the fact he doesn’t drink before I did. (Huge relief) He’s not showing signs of a controlling behavior, he’s respectful and works long hours but finds time daily to ask me how my day is. So Even if this doesn’t go the romantic route, I feel encouraged to let him into my small circle. Lol, trust issues. I find myself feeling optimistic about me, where as compared to the other two relationships I always felt inadequate or searching for acceptance. Lol, codependency issues. So I guess my question is how what did your healthy relationship look like??
I have to add that the strangest thing I realize is that as I’m looking for red flags I’m thinking 
if I don’t find that, he’s probably not into me. As if the red flags confirm my worth. How backwards is that!?
I so know this! Married 30 years. Totally toxic. Divorced. Finally. On another, not as bad but not good either for five years. We, alcoholic’s don’t find ourselves worthy of a good person and drift towards toxic. How could a good individual like us? If you want to talk, friend me. Take it one day at a time with this guy. Like all we ever do.
So I'm not sure the person who said it but I remember a quote. The hardest part of being a survivor of an abusive man, is letting a good man love you.
You are used to having to survive and watch for warnings. You have a hard time believing that a good man would want you. This is because the nature of abuse is the abuser always works to convince the abused that they deserve it. The lie of I am like this because I love you is so prevalent. I have seen so many that by the time the physical abuse started, the abuser had convinced the abused they were faulty and deserved to be abused.
Let me say it loud for those in the back...you do not deserve abuse. It is not your fault. You are worthy of true love. You have value.
That is what you have to learn. You already know the warnings. You just need to learn that they will present themselves quickly, and if they don't then you are worthy of love.
That saying is so true. You make some very good points and they are good reminders for me. I really am grateful for your perspective on this. Thanks!! One day at a time
You make some really good points, I think somewhere in my brain the “definition “ of how someone loved me was the clever ways of abuse. Thanks for sharing with me