Today was really hard.
I’ve been sober from alcohol and other substances for 10 months. It hasn’t been easy--but lately, it’s felt nearly impossible.
For the past two months, I’ve been the full-time caregiver for my grandmother, who has stage 4 cancer. Ten days ago, she was moved to in-home hospice. That means I’m still showing up, still giving every ounce of care and love I have left.
On top of that, it’s summer, and I have four children who need me in all the big and small ways. And my husband recently suffered a work injury--he may need a partial amputation of his finger.
The stress feels like it’s swallowing me. This morning, it hit too hard. I made a decision: I was going to drink. All I could think about was tequila.
I drove to the gas station.
I sat in the car, arguing with myself.
I went inside.
And I bought a soda.
Not the bottle. Not the poison. Just a soda.
I know I made the right choice. But I’m still sitting here crying in my bed, completely overwhelmed.
It hurts even more that I don’t feel supported by my family--my mom, my siblings. I found out today as well that they assumed I had already relapsed, whispering behind my back instead of checking in.
I just feel really, really alone right now.
I’m not sharing this for pity--I’m sharing it to say:
I didn’t drink today.
I chose me.
Even when it was crushingly hard.
If you’re struggling today too, just know you're not alone. And if no one has said it to you lately:
I’m proud of you.
Please be proud of me, too. 