Oof on New Years

Recovery
#1

I had a great NYE with friends and stayed sober (yay!), but my boyfriend said something that’s been stuck in my head and I can’t stop mulling over it. We were talking to someone we’d met recently and my boyfriend said “Yeah, she’s sober right now, but she’s a blast when she’s drunk!”.
It hit me hard and has been bumming me out. I’ve been working on coming out of my shell without the aid of alcohol and that comment really felt like a gut punch- exactly where I’m most insecure :confused:
Anyone else have trouble socializing at first, and are there tips to get better at it?

Edit to add: He’s been my partner for 13 years, and he didn’t mean it maliciously and I believe he was just saying I’m extra fun drunk. Still don’t love the comment though lol

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#2

Ahhhh, if that’s what your “boyfriend” thinks of you, do you actually think you can change his frame of mind staying sober now? This is not normal. Glad you stayed sober.

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#3

Whoa!:flushed: Not even close to cool. Yeah things are weird for us for a while. We don’t need folks pointing it out and putting us down for it.

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#4

Oh no I really feel for you. A comment like that is enough to destroy any built up confidence. A while ago one of my friends said I’m “boring” when I’m sober in front of a whole party of people and it killed me inside because it’s exactly what I’m afraid of being without alcohol. The only solution I have is TIME. The more time goes by and the more social situations you conquer without alcohol, the easier it gets. And the fact that you are sober will just become second nature to people and they’ll stop making comments like that. Good luck! :heart:

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#5

Girl, my ability to socialize has forever been changed because of sobriety. I will never be that drunk girl down for anything every time some grand idea comes up. I am antisocial for the most part, except for one-on-one and in small groups. I still go to shows and parties sometimes, but it’s not the same anymore. And I finally got to a place where that is okay, and my friends are okay with that. As for your boyfriend, I suggest having a conversation with him about when saying things like that is not cool, and how it made you feel. It’s important that he’s made aware of how things like this make you feel.

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#6

Not being able to socialize was a contributing factor in my alcohol journey. Upon stopping, I did not find AA for over a year. When I did, slowly, but definitely surely I fit in and was understood and supported, for how I felt on any given day. Having a support system is important, especially those close to you

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#7

Happy New Years Kate!! I can totally feel you on this one. First, I’m going to stick up for your bf for a moment. Not really stick up, but not throw him under the bush either. I agree with Jenn about having a conversation with him. It’s better to not let this fester. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel. Us guys are clueless sometimes ( most of the time), and I’m sure he will feel like :poop: when you point this out to him. Remember, it’s new to him as well, so he needs to get comfortable in these situations too. Having fun and letting go without alcohol is going to take some time. For now, not drinking is a new obsession. It’s hard not to be “*in your head” when you’re in that situation. It will get easier in time. I’ve danced on tables stone cold sober! The best part is you get to wake up without that nasty hangover the next day. There are so many positives that outweigh the social benefits. You may feel uncomfortable out in the real world, but around here you will always be Kate The Great :wink:

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#8

I attribute 100% of the stupid :poop: I’ve said to 2 things:

  1. Alcohol
  2. Being male

He said it. He can’t take it back. If you’re willing to try to work through it with him, ok. If your not, that’s ok too.

As my sponsor said to me in early sobriety when I was dealing with a tough spot in a relationship, “you know what’s best for you. Your stock is on the rise. Make sure you don’t settle for what used to be enough”. He wasn’t telling me to end my relationship, he was suggesting I raise my expectations within it.

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#9

Hi Kate! This was something I worried about too. We are different when we’re sober and at first those insecurities that we drink away pop up like a flashing neon sign. It does get easier and we become more comfortable with who we really are. I heard Adele the singer once say stop drinking, then you get to know who who really are. You also are forced to deal with feelings head on.
Regarding your boyfriend’s comment- people say things without thinking sometimes. When I say “people” I mean some men. Not all!! My husband says things all the time before processing it before it comes out of his mouth! He knows this about himself and has gotten better! Talk to your boyfriend about how it made you feel. Hoping the two of you can be honest with each other to support your sobriety! He may not even realize the gravity of what he said. This is an opportunity for you to define a boundary!

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#10

Drunk people think they having fun be like…

https://www.google.com/search?q=step+brothers+sleepwalking+will+ferrell&prmd=vinx&source=lnms&tbm=vid&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwicppi7_Zb1AhUSg3IEHX9yDKUQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=414&bih=617&dpr=3#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:c102d7c1,vid:xQi7ABaeCx0,st:0

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#11

He needs to realize that you are a blast sober and that drinking isn’t what made you fun. Your fun. He needs to realize that if your sobriety and your relationship are going to sustain

#12

It sounds like it really was a great NYE! Most importantly, you stayed sober-WAY TO GO! But you also overcame that awkward and unpleasant gut punch, and you’re becoming more aware of what is genuinely important to you in your sobriety. When speaking with your boyfriend about his comment and its impact on you, if you decide to do so, you will be expressing what matters to you and that will be beneficial especially for you, but also for him and your relationship. :blush:

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#13

He thinks your sober right now? He’s a normal temperate drinker. He will never understand what you are going through. He may if he goes to Al-Anon meetings. I’m sorry you’re going through this but that’s just it you’re going through this transition period in sobriety where it’s just plain awkward. Hang in there. Work the steps of AA and heck you just might out grow the normie… best to you my friend

#14

Ouch. You keep working on you. If he can handle the ride good if not show him the exit. You are fun no matter what I’m sure. It is better when we get our true self. Hope he realizes it.

#15

My eyes cringed when I read what he said. That’s not right for someone to say who should be “supportive”. Have you talked to him about it? Or asked why he would even say that? Really unfortunate that you have to hear that comment. Talk it out and see what he says. Sobriety is huge and having support without the negative comments is even bigger. Many hugs for staying strong!!

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#16

Feeling awkward and uncomfortable in social situations has been one of my biggest mental crutches that kept me drinking. Good for u for overcoming that on NYE. Getting sober brings on many changes but it leads u to who u really are and what u really want. Ur bf may have just made an insensitive comment this once, but I agree communicating how it made u feel is key in the relationship. His response may b what’s more telling about the future.
Interesting thing about being sober is your drinking friends are the ones who aren’t nearly as fun/funny as they think the are! Everyone is on their own path. Great topic. Thanks for sharing and best wishes!

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#17

Wow, sounds like a red flag to me. How long have you two been together? You may want to reevaluate the nature of your relationship. Is he going to be supporting you or trying to pull you down? Once we enter sobriety some people we once were good with we may not be able to have a relationship with any longer.

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#18

:rofl: :sweat_smile:

#19

Exactly! Hoping it gets easier with time

#20

You’re not wrong! I’m definitely trying to up my sober support