I’ve been sober 11 mths & my husband & I have had an agreement that he wouldn’t bring alcohol in the house that would tempt me. Beer has always been something I never had a taste for & I never drink carbonation so I told him I didn’t care if he brought home beer. He works away from home 8 days and is home six days every other week. He drinks beer from the first night he’s home every afternoon and evening the entire six days and typically consumes about 30 per week. I’ve talked to him about it being excessive and how about two of the six days he manages to be either very buzzed or intoxicated. Lately he has also been purchasing the beers that have up to an 8% alcohol rate which he definitely becomes inebriated on. Now that I’m sober I can’t stand being around him and I remove myself from the room. When I speak to him the next day about it he listens and cuts back a day or so and goes right back. He hates that I’m now telling him how many beers he’s consuming per six day period and I think he doesn’t realize how I know that it’s anywhere from 24-35 in six days because I am completely sober & present. I’ve read how many drinks professionals say we should stay under per week and I’m pretty sure they regard beer as alcohol and not just wine or hard liquor. I worry about his health now and the expense is also hard on our budget. I feel like because I drank for ten years along with him and he didn’t stop me from the expense that he can just go ahead. So, I guess I’m asking you for your thoughts. Isn’t this amount of beer bad for him? I know it’s certainly not good for our relationship. Anyone else experiencing their partner still drinking & your sober now?
The big point here is it is not good for your relationship. That should be the focus. The questions I would ask myself is… is his drinking a deal breaker for you? Is his drinking, regardless of amount or what it is, enough of a reason to call off the marriage? You set boundaries when you got sober, are those boundaries being broken, or do new boundaries need to be discussed and agreed to? Is this a relationship that is healthy?
As far as the amount, is it healthy… no. At the height of my addiction, I was drinking 30 beers in two days… and a bottle of bourbon on top of that. As far as the money.. it’s amazing what we can afford now that I am not pissing away hundreds of dollars a week.
Sounds like a sit down is needed with him. Discuss it all. Good luck.
I was doing the same kind of thing as your husband. I started buying the 8% alcohol beer telling myself I was drinking and spending less. When in reality all I was doing was getting drunk faster. In my mind if the cowboys game started at noon...(yeah, the cowboys😁) it was time to crack one open and in short order the day gone. I thought because I was at home it was okay
That was not the case. My wife felt and feels much like you. I wish you the best and my advice is listen to tim L. He gives great advice.
This is a major issue with my wife since I got sober 2 years ago. We used to be drinking buddies and now she still likes to go out and drink with friends. I don’t like it, but I can’t change someone. I can only ask or change my situation.
The truth to this is that it is very difficult trying to be sober and living with someone who drinks even if casually. However, it is almost, if not impossible to try to live sober and live with someone who's life still revolves around getting hammered. Could you make it work? Sure. Would you grow old and resentful and restless? Most likely. I know a lot of people say "I never told you to get sober, why should I change??". And they're right. They don't have to make any efforts to change their lifestyle. However, you should be fully prepared to change yours by not having them in your life if it's something you don't feel like you're prepared to accept any more.
As hard as it is. Focus on your sobriety and not on his addiction. Telling him will do no good. In fact, it could just inspire him to drink more to spite you. Have you considered CoDa meetings? If you don’t like his drinking. Your choice is either to separate and move apart from each other or stay and learn how to take care of yourself while he practices in his addiction.
I'm in the same situation.
Today I actually reached out to my father in law who has 32 years of sobriety and he opened up his home to me. So I backed my bags and I am staying with my FIL. I am not strong enough to by him when he drinks. He doesn't think he has a problem and only I do. I just hope he figures it out soon before I leave for good.