Today is day 47. On the inside I am broken. On the outside I continue somehow to not only improve my physical fitness but I ran my best 5K this past weekend and shattered my previous time. I have confidence and determination and I’m holding down a solid job. The pain and suffering I caused myself during addiction is the devil on my shoulder reminding me that despite being a terrible influence I was his closest friend. I am so ashamed of myself that I find it hard to focus, hard to move forward and hard not to lash out at people because I knew deep down and so did they that I was capable of so much more but I let drinking destroy all these meaningful connections with individuals. I am 30 years old and in the best shape of my life but my mental health is deteriorating fast because I can not forgive myself and I reflect back too often of what could’ve been had I stopped drinking. I need advice on patience, self control and how to silence your demons.
Looking back and swelling is obviously not doing any good. Have you worked the steps in AA? 4/5 helps to alleviate those thoughts. Time helps to stem the feelings. When I got sober I needed to go on meds to help level out the ebbs and flows of my emotions. Talk to a therapist, or doctor and let them know what’s going on. Our brains need to be rewired because of the trauma we put ourselves through. You WERE a dbag… past tense. That should not define you now. Be kind to yourself. You have been through a storm and made it out. 47 days is amazing! Be proud of that. It does get easier. If you put the effort to heal in. But only you can decide to do that. Good luck my man.
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