Please stick this time

Recovery
#1

Today's sober day 6 analysis:

It's not the feeling of missing or needing alcohol that I am experiencing. I've never been an every day drinker or had physical withdrawals (hard core partier/binge drinker here).

It's the grieving of the "death" of a (terrible) best friend. One that brings me lots of peace for the first 3-4 drinks, probably the most peace I've ever felt. But, it's the same friend that on drink 4 or 5 tells me to take my shirt off and jump on a table or go hit mailboxes with a baseball bat. The hard truth is that I never stop at drink 3 or 4, it's always more.

But, god does the feeling in the first few drinks bring me so much peace - a peace I seem to not be able to normally feel like "normies" do. But good Jesus almighty does it bring my life 4x as much chaos and shame and sadness and regret and anxiety and etc. etc. than peace after drink 3.

So, I have to find peace and calmness in everyday existence or I will go batshit insane and look for anything on earth to calm me down (I.e alcohol).

That's all. Happy Monday.

#2

I get it. Alcohol worked for me for many years. But then it stopped. Thinking about it, towards the end I couldn't find that piece even when drinking. It stopped working.
I also had the perspective that said you've really never tried any other form of gaining peace. I had not really tried any long-term sobriety. I said to myself that I would give it 6 months. If my life was not getting better and if I was still full of anxiety then I'd give it up, sobriety that is. Luckily I did find some peace in recovery. Notice I didn't say sobriety. Sobriety without recovery to me feels like restlessness, irritability and discontent. Recovery on the other hand over time created a space of Peace within me that could not be denied.

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