Possible break up

Recovery
#1

Ooof, so yeah my bf is not being really supportive in the whole sobriety thing. Hes definitely and enabler. We had a fight that was pretty significant. Part of me thinks i became self destructive to the relationship because i can't seem to get him to see how badly i need him to stop enabling and start supporting. My drinking isn't his fault but i am not strong enough to be around it and not drink or put in social situations with his friends and not drink. I take responsibility for that. I have had many talks with him on how important it is for me to be sober along with that me being at my house more often to take care of my responsibilities. Again, my fault for accommodating him and not putting my foot down more. Ive gone through a lot of loss. I have little support outside of the relationship and i think this has had me hold on and not be as firm with things for fear of being alone. I am pretty sure i cant ever be with someone who drinks period. I know this is why its important to focus on myself and not enter relationships.

Right now we aren't really speaking and he doesn't really give a F about the things i want to communicate right now. I very clearly had thoughts that i didn't even acknowledge myself until now.

Anyways no clue whats going to happen but i dont think hes going to be able to support me in the way i need.

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#3

I definitely get that. I haven't ever wanted to deal with my codependency issues

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#4

I applaud your honesty and strength! You should be proud for the way you are advocating for your sobriety and life. Like many of us, we are only willing to do this when we are desperate to stay sober. Hopefully you both can communicate better thru this new reality. It sounds like. right now you guys are in a tug of war over the new you. He doesn’t understand. Let him know that you don’t expect him to understand, but that you do need him to respect and support your sobriety. In turn let him know that you understand this isn’t easy for him either. The two of you need to decide if you can move forward in your relationship, or…not. Regardless of what happens you have a great opportunity to grow and learn thru this. It may get uncomfortable and painful, but you will be ok if you stay committed to your sobriety and seek support. I recommend you get involved in a recovery program and start building some sober relationships. It’s way too lonely to do this by yourself. You need some sober sisters to chat with and socialize with. Keep pushing…

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#5

It is overwhelmingly hard to stop drinking and live with someone who still drinks and have to do what you need to do to help yourself otherwise you'll be no good to anybody unless you're sober

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#6

Agreed. We have had lots of conversations about it. We only made it 10 days or so. I don't think he is ready. And I'm just not in a place where i can be okay with his drinking around me. I don't mind if he did it without me but in the grand scheme i know i want a sober partner. If he didn't drink heavily it would probably be okay. He loves his jim beam. I swore of liquor long ago. I stopped buying it. But that didn't mean i wasn't chugging wine. I am not blaming him for my issues but i have definitely brought it up enough times that something could have changed. So as of now, i know its the time to be clear and stand up and say i cant go on with him with drinking involved.

#7

Luckily we don't live together. So when im at my house i dont buy it. He however will bring it over. Not that i havent asked. Regardless, i have also brought up being at my house more often and i end up going to his. He has plenty of friends and socializes a lot. I was married and had combination of 4 kids between us. I got used to being a home body. When i lost my family not because of drinking is actually when my very problematic drinking showed up. In fact my ex was a non drinker. Point is i can't keep up with constant weekend events that is surrounded around drinking and him wanting me to be there with him.

#8

I can empathize with you. I’ve been there. Stand firm and stay strong. Put YOUR sobriety above all else and in time a new world will open up to you!!!!

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#9

I know I can’t be with someone who drinks if I want to keep my sobriety. I know I have to let go and let God. I know what I need to do for myself because no I’m else is. I’ve sabotaged everything and self sabotage myself and everything I have going for myself when I place myself in a position where I know I’m going to fail and the picture can’t be seen by my significant other because she can drink and be ok but not I. I go south fast and I end up in the same position that harms everyone around but most of all myself. I have to put myself first and love myself and be ok by myself and until I can love myself completely and be ok with being alone then I know the right person will come for me. I hate being alone and I hate being codependent but that’s who I have always been and what I’m comfortable with because I hate being alone. I have found friends and other vets that I can relate to and build a sober friendship with and for now I’m ok with that. I get where you are coming from and so I say pray over the answer that you need and God will lead you to it whether you want to or not. He has His purpose and if you believe it or not in the end it is going to be how it should be. Take care and God bless.

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#10

Anyone that cares for u whether they drink or not will support u if getting sober is the best thing for u, I have a few friends that drink but aren't drunks and they respect and support my choices...

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#11

Cut the cord. You survived without him before you met him, you can survive after you leave him.
Sobriety is the main factor here and if he doesn’t care about what you want and need from him, then cut him off…
You’re the priority now.

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#12

You first

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#13

I agree. You need to look out for yourself. This has been a very supportive community. I just sent you a friend request. :blush:

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#14

I couldn't stay sober with a significant other who drank . It was way too difficult

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#15

I have yet to read the comments which I always like to do before responding in case I am repeating things which have been brought up.

I was with someone who
h a t e d drinking and even after I sobered up - for close to two years, which is no small feat, my partner and I were still in a pretty toxic relationship.

I have brought this up before over this app that during one of the meetings I went to during that period—I was relaying to a woman afterwards that what the f - c k more could I do from my end?!

I stopped drinking and remained sober. That was h u g e and my partner was still not supportive.

So. That is when she, this woman told me:
“ You need to accept that this person is more than likely not going to be part of your sobriety “.

Well. I did end up drinking after close to two years of sobriety.
I left the relationship and drank and drank and drank for three years, post leaving.

In mid-January of 2022, I woke up and had had enough.
I have not touched alcohol since then. Sometimes, I am envious of people with all of these great partners supporting them.

Which makes me root for this own self even harder.
This can be such a lonely path. Thank you for reading my long post.

They are usually uh, wordy.
Point I am, was trying to make.
I have been where you are.
Meaning:
Break ups s u c k and heart aches are h-llacious.
Duh, right?
While I won’t drink with you tonight.

Sending peaceful energy your way. The break up will suck while you are worth being loved and supported and cheered on for choosing to be sober!:pray:t4::peace_symbol::pray:t4:

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#16

Trust your instincts. Don't let the fear of being alone keep you in a situation that isn't good for you. The NA family has got you. You never have to be alone again unless you want to be. Reach out n make clean friends. They can help with your transition. Not to mention your HP.

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#17

He just sees it as my problem. It is. Its not his. He said im making him responsible for my drinking when i asked for him to not enable me. So its a mixed bag. I can see how he feels but i truly am not placing it on his shoulders. I think its about him truly not understanding that support isn't just yeah i agree don't drink emily. Its making some accommodations so im not triggered while im still figuring out how to remain sober. I dont think ill be able to be around drinking for a while. He has plans almost every weekend he wants me to go to. I just cant go which he hasnt really accepted. But obviously we drink when its just him and i too. I am sure im asking too much of him bit thats what i need for me to get sober.

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#18

Yeah. My family wants me to get sober too. But haven't taken any active steps with me. Or understand how hard it is. They haven't looked into it at all actually. People are so misinformed on how to truly be supportive. That really sucks about your relationship! To have a non drinker but them not be supportive is so tough! I dont think he will ever engage in conversations about it. Or ever be the type to do therapy should we need it. I need someone open to those things. Im naturally a bit of a needy person but in this situation im the most needy but having little of a support system. Im going to be focusing on that in the next two weeks. I also have plans in place for this weekend so regardless of what he says ill be busy. So i wont be triggered or exposed to a social situation that drives my anxiety.

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#19

You have to do what's right for you and your sobriety if it means he's gotta go then he's gotta go

#20

This is always hard. You have decided to make some very positive changes for you. The relationship maybe getting in the way of that change. It's tough sometimes we have to let go of things and work on others when they are conflicting goals. You have to take down some of the house to fix the foundation and then rebuild a better house. Either way it turns out, working on that sobriety and keep moving forward seems to be the best move. You are doing amazing recognizing this instead of just falling back into the old comfortable habits. Be proud of yourself and keep growing. You got this.

#21

Sounds like you know what you need for yourself and your sobriety. That is powerful in and of itself! Keep putting you first and the answers will keep coming. 🫶🏻

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