Hello my husband is in active addiction. When he hurts me and lies to me he always says it's not me doing it its the addiction, it's like I'm 2 different people. I try the best I can to understand it but I never had a addiction so I don't know what it's like. Can someone please explain what he's talking about
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That’s tough to explain because if you never had to battle those demons you can never understand. And it is okay if you don’t. My wife didn’t understand it and still doesn’t. She is supportive of my sobriety, but is content on not completely understanding it. First you need to make sure YOU are safe. If he is physically harming you get out of there, then you can deal with the other things things. There is a group called ALANON, that is focused on people who love addicts. Check out the chapter in your area. They help teach you the necessary skills. I wish it was easier to explain. Good luck to you.
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This is really hard to explain Jackie. There is a saying that unless you suffer from addiction you will never understand it. That being said, I can share my experience. I also blamed my addiction in the beginning. How else could I explain or rationalize my actions? I was doing things to destroy my whole fe and kids. She may have got to the point where she thought I didn’t care about her anymore, but my kids…she knew deep down inside that I loved my kids and that I wouldn’t intentionally want to hurt them like this. So when she said how could you, and why would you, and didn’t you think about me first, didn’t you think about our family before you did this…there is no explanation for this!! We have no answer. It’s something we’ve asked ourselves before. It’s why we hate ourselves and are filled with such shame, guilt, and remorse. What other reason or excuse is there? That we are evil? That we are pieces of 
? That we are horrible human beings? I can’t explain how we don’t realize that we have a choice. It’s absolutely insane how hopeless and helpless we feel at this point.most of us have been trying to control this monster for a very long time. I tried to keep my family from it, but it just continues to progress until it takes over.
None of this answers your question. I also felt and said that it’s not me, it’s my addiction. That’s partially true. I have one year sober today. I am not that same person that I was anymore. I potentially could be if I “choose” to pick up again. Thanks to AA (we that’s where I found help…there are other recovery programs), I learned to take responsibility for my choices. I don’t exactly when I finally realized that I always had a choice, but I do know I didn’t feel like it during active addiction, or very early recovery. It’s as if we have this mental and physical obsession that overrides all rational and reasonable thoughts. It blocks out the consequences of our actions. It only allows us to see the drink, drug, or behaviors as a relief and solution to our problems. I know this makes no sense, but even after everything I’ve been thru, my mind still romanticizes the drink as a good thing. It only remembers the good times, the laughs, the comradery, the relaxation, etc. I have to recognize that my mind (my disease) is messing with me. I have to think that drink all the way thru. I have to remind myself that it’s not just a drink. That one drink will eventually put me back right where I was before. This thought process is not normal to us. We seem to have a blocker in our brains that blinds us of this thought process. A daily program of recovery gives us the tools to see thru this blind spot.
Again, I didn’t really answer your question, but what he’s going thru is very typical behavior. I pray he gets his as$ up and gets help. As for you, I’m sorry for your struggles thru all of this. I know it’s very painful to watch and go thru. We talk of being powerless over people, places, and things. You are powerless over him. You only have power over you. I strongly recommend you find help for yourself. There are support groups for loved ones of alcoholics. Regardless off what he does, I suggest you get in touch with Al anon, and/or other support groups. We all are praying for you and your husband 
❤‍🩹
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When your in active addiction your mind doesn't think you are doing anything wrong. a lot of time your mind is saying I'm not hurting anyone. Sub consciously we know but we are to clouded.
Like I never thought I was hurting my mom I was thousands of miles away but once you get sober you realize how much you hurt people by making them worry about where you are and other things that didn't seem to matter.
Hope that helps a little bit
Hopefully I can offer yet another perspective, Jackie. The truth is, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. The addiction can make that immensely difficult to do but he is still responsible for his actions. As others have said, this is where understanding the mind of an addict can be really hard.
The way he is processing his actions right now is distorted by the use of a mind-altering substance (booze, drugs). Until he makes the decision to put down his drug of choice, he may very well continue to blame everything on his addiction. Try as you might, you may never be able to change that attitude until he is ready to make a different decision regarding his actions. This is one of the most painful aspect of the disease, the impact the active addict has on the ones closest to them. I am truly sorry that you are having to go through this.
I would second the other comments about AL-Anon. Its members have been where you are and can provide a great deal of insight. They are a resource I would urge you to consider. And when your husband is ready, hopefully he will seek the help of others who have been where he is at so that he can start putting the pieces of his (and hopefully your) life back together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Like others have just said. You will never understand it fully. You are what we addicts call a “normie”, normal person. We get support from fellow alcoholic/addicts. And has been suggested, you can get support from people in your exact same situation. Alanon is one place. People are giving you sound advise and I know it is frustrating to hear that we “just can’t explain” or that you “will never fully understand” but that is one of the symptoms of our disease! Sorry I’m not much help. But for sure if you are not safe, get out and seek help. 
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Thank you. No physical harm at all. It's just all mental exhaustion . I tell him I understand if he does have a slip up and thats all part of the process but just come out and tell me you slipped up and we can work on it and fix What made you have a slip up but he doesn't come out and say it. I have to ask or get him to say it . He says he can't just come out and say it because its embarrassing and doesn't want to disappoint me but lying about it makes me disappointed. It's just all around rough
Thank you so much and that did answer my question! I say the same thing to him didn't you think about what I want before doing that and he Says no there's no thought process it just happens. We are working on getting him sober because this isn't him at all. He doesn't treat me bad at all he still treats me with respect but when he slips up and uses again I feel like we're right back where we started and it's hard to continue to move forward because I feel like why bother? It's all gonna fall apart again and I don't wanna be thinking that way. I am currently looking for a therapist in my area to fix myself before I can even offer him help. I can't even stay happy or in a good mood during the day because 24/7 I am worrying if he's ok or doing the right thing etc. I always put his feelings 1st and don't care about ny own. I say I can deal with it but then I find myself driving around crying and screaming just to let out all the built up anger that I carry around and hold inside. I can't talk to my parents because they don't know. I don't want them knowing because I don't want it ruining the relationship they have with my husband. My father's brother and sister died feom drugs and my father is very sensitive with this subject but I need help myself! I need to understand that everything im feeling is part of the addiction he has.
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It does thank you. After he does the drug and realizes what he did he starts to feel bad and is sick over the fact that he hurt me again and just keeps saying it's not his fault and yes sometimes I'm not supportive when he says that because I don't fully understand what it's like or feels like. A few years ago before i met my husband I was in a abusive relationship and did coke once and felt happy again. I wound up doing it as a escape from my life for almost a year everyday. I woke up one day and said forget this I don't wanna do it anymore. All it does js makes me feel horrible now. I never picked it up again after that day. It wasn't hard or a struggle for me at all and I think that's why I always say to him just stop doing it it's not that hard.
Can I ask a painful question, what do you mean by hurting you?
It's not frustrating not being able to understand it. I just felt like maybe if I understood it better I wouldn't take it to heart so much when he lies to me or I can tell myself that it's just because of the drug he's like this. Sometimes I look at it like he should know right from wrong but then I think that he does but can't help making the wrong choices because right now his brain is wired that way. I did cocaine for a year straight everyday and one day decided I didn5 wanna do it anymore and I just stopped and I think that's why I have such a hard time when he says he can't stop because I have and know it can be done. Not everyone is the same. And he smokes it .
Hurting me as in mental and emotionally. I set boundaries and he knows what I don't want happening and I want honesty and when he lies and breaks my trust again it kills me . Just watching him struggle hurts me more then I ever imagined it would
Look up Dr. Montez Neurobiology of Addiction on YouTube, it as like a longer 5 part explanation of addiction and why we are the way we are and why it is so hard to "just say no". It helped my family a lot. He actually came and spoke to us while I was in jail like 15 years ago. Amazing honestly.
That was a brilliant answer and congrats. Jackie. I have been married twice, both alcoholics and addicts. My first husband and father of my children continues to drink, therefore, he has not changed. My second husband is a narcissistic and a sociopath. He cannot change. It’s a violent disease because of what it does to the addict and what they are capable of when active. Often, when active, we feel like we are two people, and the true person may not want to do hurtful things, but the addict takes over. You need to get help with you, Al Anon. It’s the only way. I hope this helped in some way. Prayers.
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I had to ask because I've had to many run ins with abuse to not make sure. The questions you need to answer for yourself concerning the hurt are is it going to get better if I stay and do I have what it takes to hold out till it does. Many times the answer to one in no the other is yes. If yes isn't the answer to both then you do both of you a disservice staying.
The disease of addiction does what ever it can to survive. Some people are different but for most the disease of addiction causes our brain to not release enough dopamine and serotonin to function normally. It causes severe depression in most cases. Basically the brain thinks its dieing by not get enough of the chemicals that allow us to be motivated, content, happy etc. and goes into survivability mode when the drug that increases the dopamine and serotonin to extreme levels is removed. The longer addiction is active the harder it is for the brain to return to producing these chemicals to a normal level. The brain with the disease of addiction will tell us to do whatever it takes to survive. That survival mode will tell us to lie, cheat, steal, rob and do whatever it takes to get that high and the huge release of dopamine and serotonin in order to feel alive again. Most of us need some type of rehab to intervene in that process. After time we become use to that instant gratification of the high and start to expect things in our life to change instantly. We become very impatient people. If things do not change fast enough we revert back to our old ways of instant gratification with the drugs. Instead of going through the emotions and working through them in a healthy way, we learn a very unhealthy way to cope with daily life by using a substance. Soon this becomes the only thing we know and only exacerbates everything else in life. We end up becoming so selfish and self centered with trying to get high that we are blind to the pain that we are causing everyone around us. It's not necessarily done intentionally. All the disease of addiction is doing is trying to survive. I tried to explain this as best I could. I hope this helps. I also agree with what Steve S. said in the prior comment to mine.
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Jackie, there’s been some great feedback from members so far, but I’ll give my two cents. There is a certain degree of behavior that is definitely attributable to the fact that someone has the disease of addiction. However, this is a complicated question because addiction affects free will. As treatment providers, it is difficult for us to engineer a solution that really impact someone’s free will. Addiction varies from other diseases and that in order for someone to get better they have to have a genuine desire to stay sober, and serendipitously ones desire to stay sober is severely impaired by the addiction
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To simplify it, it is a bastardization of the truth to say that there are “two people.” He is certainly responsible for his behavior, but once he is actively engaged in recovery you probably ought to be quicker to forgive. You are asking the right questions, as this is a core philosophical question in addiction and recovery studies.
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