Question about amends:

andrea132568 · August 18, 2022, 4:28am

Hey Loosid fam! How is everyone?! I am doing so much better, thanks to God, my support network, Benji of course, and this Loosid fam too!! I have a question though about amends I will eventually make to 2 friends but I’m really struggling with how to bc I’m very upset they did not acknowledge my brother passing away in March.. I know I need to clean my side of the street which is not a problem but can I not express how hurt I am about them not acknowledging my brother passing away?! The reason for the fall out is: Best Friend 1- got drunk at her wedding in Nov (didn’t do anything super horrible, just acted a mess once again which is not okay. Sent a long letter to her and her husband with no response..). Best Friend 2- didn’t go to treatment before her wedding in February so couldn’t go…I expressed how upset I was that I wouldn’t be making it and sent flowers but she eventually stopped talking to me.

After Nov wedding I told all my friends I was going to treatment asap once I got my apartment packed up..unfortunately didn’t get it done until after my brother passed in March. All of my friends understood and were there for me but the 2 I mentioned.. I went to my brothers funeral and then treatment. I have been out and sober for almost 4months now.. They are aware of all of this since I am still close with our other friends, including some of their family..

I’d really like to hear your thoughts, Ty

tim133688 · August 18, 2022, 8:49am

Amends is just a way of letting go of our own side of the toxic drama we caused. Sometimes the people we want to make those amends with do not recognize or accept the explanation. And that’s their prerogative to do so. To me it sounds as you already did your part by reaching out to them, and got your answer. We have to accept that there may not be acceptance from those we wronged. It’s sucks but life on life’s terms. Personally I think you did good. I would give it one more shot, in person if possible and show them the progress you have made. But also be prepared for them to not reciprocate or even allow you to try. Good luck.

andrea132568 · August 18, 2022, 1:05pm

Thank you! I didn’t do it since I’ve been sober though so im going to but what about the part with my brother passing? Can I acknowledge that or I have to just let it go? And if they accept my amends im not sure I can get over them not acknowledging my brothers passing, especially if they don’t mention it when I make my amends. In the past with the one friend especially, she never admits her wrongs.. I know it’s a resentment im holding on to but really it’s pretty much the only one I have left and im just not sure how to let it go! It isn’t affecting my life..I’ve accepted it and have so much im grateful for today, I just don’t feel it’s “fair” I have to try to make amends and/or accept their possibly wanting a friendship again..

tim133688 · August 18, 2022, 1:40pm

Life isn’t “fair”. You can not control anything accept your own reaction. I understand completely about being hurt that people who you consider close do not even acknowledge the passing of a family member. So let me put the question to you. Is that the sort of person you want to be friends with? Do you want to invest your energy in people who don’t give the same regard and energy to you? In my experience friends move in and out of our lives. The people I considered my best friends 10 years ago I don’t see or speak to anymore. Not because of my addiction, we just went in different directions. You can make your amends to clean your own soul for sure, but be prepared to not get the same in return.

taylor134616 · August 18, 2022, 1:41pm

Are you going through the steps now? You said "amends you will eventually make", so I am assuming you are going through the steps. If so, stop worrying about any day except today. Don't force it. Work the steps in order, organically. I have to tell myself these things too, because I want so badly to jump ahead to the amends part. We can't truly make amends I til we understand the whole picture.

andrea132568 · August 18, 2022, 1:56pm

Yes I am and I understand that part.. I’ve made a lot of progress and pretty sure I’m already had my spiritual awakening but still doing it all! It’s just the one thing that I can see past :/. Plus I am going up to visit soon and my codependent self feels I should make time to try to reach out but honestly don’t think I’m going to yet. It’s going to be my bday weekend and I have plans almost everyday with friends that have supported me and then I start work again 9/1 so it’s not the time yet anyways.