Really coming to terms with the fact that I’m going

Recovery
#1

Really coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to be managing this disease for my entire life.

It’s really disheartening. These last couple weeks, every day has felt like a war. I’m so frustrated & angry. And then I get angry at myself for being so angry. I know I’m letting myself feel emotions that I spent years attempting to numb. So I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s not easy.

My therapist had recommended a new prescriber that works in her office. I was hesitant to make that shift, mostly because I’ve had so many issues with my medication management. The new prescriber ended up deciding not to follow through with the appointment after confirming it with me, which basically left me helpless. I know how much we love feeling helpless while in recovery.:smirk: ANYWAY. I was taking 20 mg of Lexapro daily, and 0.5 mg of alprazolam (Xanax) as needed. I have gotten to a point where I’ve tapered down my usage of the Xanax, so I’m only taking it 2-3 times a week, whereas before, I was needing one once daily, sometimes twice. Fast forward to now, still no appointment. My therapist got ahold of another prescriber for me to contact, but so far, no luck getting an appointment. I stopped taking my lexapro about a week ago, honestly because I was frustrated. Angry at the system for failing me yet again. Failing me when I’m trying SO HARD to stay sober. I know things happen, and I understand that. However, it’s still so difficult. And it’s left me in a very dangerous headspace. I can’t even count how many times I’ve come close to throwing my sobriety away these last few days. So today, I am going to try & get seen at a walk in mental health clinic. I’m going to do my best to explain the situation, and I’m hoping to get a temporary refill on my medication to hold me over until I’m able to find another doctor. I’ve been in a dangerous spiral; and a lot of my childhood trauma & trauma from my college years has been consuming me. And I think my addiction is begging me to slip. I’m holding on for dear life.
Also, if you choose to leave a comment, please be kind. I’m well aware that Xanax isn’t an ideal medication. I’m also aware that a lot of doctors would be rightfully hesitant to prescribe it to someone with a history of abusing alcohol. At this point, it is the only medication that has ever helped with my panic attacks. So please withhold passing judgment. Thank you in advance.:yellow_heart:

1 Like
#2

Stay strong my friend! Medications can be a tricky and frustrating thing. Take it moment by moment for now and use your sober supports!

#3

It sounds like you are starting to think through things with a new clarity we are incapable of doing when in active addiction! Yes this sober thing is a lifetime commitment. Yes the suppressed emotions are coming out like a dam that was opened after years of neglect. With time and work, the anxiety and panic attacks should lessen hopefully. Mine are gone. Now I take 10mg of lexapro more just to regulate the chemicals my broken brain won’t produce. Big thing here is don’t pick up. Life on life’s terms. Sometimes it sucks but throwing alcohol on top of it is like throwing a can of gas on an already roaring fire.

1 Like
#4

Stick with it, you got this. It’s tough, but just recognizing it’s tough, asking for support and keeping on the path proves you got this. Getting started is the hard part. Sure it’s a life long thing, but, it makes a much better, brighter and fuller life.

#5

First, don't think of it as a lifelong thing. Change it to today. I am sober for today, tomorrow il decide when I wake up. Now I do decide on sobriety everyday day but 24 hrs is easier to manage than forever.
The questions I have are this... Are you in a program? Do you have a sober network supporting you? You can do it but it is easier when you have a full toolbox.