I posted this to my Facebook wall today. I hope that my hope can help someone else in need.
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LONG POST ABOUT ADDICTION RECOVERY.
if you don’t understand it, this might shed a little light on what it takes to manage it.
For those that I didn’t get a chance to tell today, I had a case of the eff it’s. I recognize that I should have reached out to my supports before I acted on such eff its. But I will focus on progress rather than perfection. So I told on myself. First thing this morning.
Context:
My eff its came from me making progress for 2 months and despite all of my efforts, I am facing eviction. I have reached out to every community resource possible, applied for assistance, and waited for an appeal from unemployment denial. (Addiction can be an excusable offense, and spectrum even paid for me to to go to rehab. And I was a stellar employee for 2 years. Yeah) throughout everything I have put myself and my loved ones through, I have never been evicted. So now that I am doing all of the right things, now I lose what I’ve worked so hard to build? A rapport with a great landlord for over 3 years and a dirt cheap apartment in downtown Canandaigua, walking distance to Public transportation and meetings. My home for me and my babies.
I am on treatment court after being in jail for 3 months due to my addiction. There are weekly random drug screens. Yes, me telling on myself does benefit me in that they will most likely send me back to treatment. Had I not come clean before I did a drug test, there would have been a high chance that I would have ended up back in jail.
But that’s not why I told on myself to treatment court, probation, and my mother. I told on myself because I need to hold myself accountable for my own sanity. Because I’m not practicing insanity anymore. I am doing things differently.
Let’s say for example that I didn’t say anything, and my color was never called for random daily drug tests, and by the time Thursday rolls around and we do our weekly court check in, my system would be clean. Sure, I gambled and it worked out. But that’s exactly the behavior that keeps us sick. Because then I would try to get away with using more. And then I would get eventually get caught, and could face prison. (Felony dwi was original conviction that put me on this legal path.)
Justification is an addicts worst enemy. The stinking thinking. Dry drunk behavior. Not being honest and thorough from the very start.
Addicts who don’t recover, aren’t bad people. They are just too scared or sick to ask for help. Trust me, I know. Do I want to go into an inpatient for 3-4 months? Of course I’d like to to prove I can get back up without it. I was a mess and TERRIFIED this morning when I made those phone calls. But I am willing to accept that if treatment court thinks I need a higher level of care at this time, then that’s what I will do.
YES, my amazing mother will take me in for a while I get back on track and will take care of my babies while I am gone.
YES, I have amazing supports that held my hand today processing all my emotions.
But the guilt and shame, is always there trying to undermine all we are trying to accomplish. It is a daily battle. Some days are better than others. There are very few people who do not relapse during their recovery. It’s how we get back up and change our thinking and way of life to realize we are worth it. We can have that life we always wanted. That we admit our wrongs and grow and learn from them.
Of course I feel stupid considering ultimately regardless of what my justification was, it’s that I didn’t pick up the phone and call someone before I picked up. I went though half the day feeling pretty worthless. But then i had my supports tell me how proud they are of me that I was honest and am willing to face the music head on. Whatever that may be.
I’m still nervous about how this is going to play out, but ultimately I know it’s going to be okay because I am free from lies. I don’t have to hide. All I need to do is focus on day at a time.
I hit my bottom in jail. You can tell when someone has hit rock bottom, because from that point on, they are honest. No matter the consequences.
Please pray for those that have not hit theirs yet and hope they find the courage to stop the insanity. Putting in the hard work is worth it.
Yes I relapsed. But I view it as a part of my progress because of how I handled it. Relapse happens, our strength of character is how we handle it.
It took me over ten years to even acknowledge I had a problem. It’s not going to get fixed overnight. This is something I have to manage for the rest of my life. But thankfully I have seen the light and know that I deserve better than this.
Hi, my name is Jess and I am an addict that just got herself another 24hr coin today. Hopefully it’ll be my last. But I’m just going to focus on today.
I am proud of myself. But I have people to remind me of how I deserve the world. If not for my supports, I would probably be on the street or worse.
So if you know someone that is still sick and suffering, please let them know they are worth it.
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