Relapsed and had a mini bender……..
Before the shame hit me like a truck.
It’s hard to describe like a crippling depression of guilt and embarrassment and disgust of myself.. the whole way I see my self in the mirror is different. Why can’t I just be ok
Feel it, just don't live in it. Don't make a home. I lived in my relapse for 2 years before I went to rehab. I was so ashamed (still kind of am), lost, and hurt. It became who I was and I let it consume me. I have the disease of addiction and I will always have it. I have to remember to surrender to it everyday or I will die. Do the same.
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This sounds like the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that is discribed in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism pg. 30.
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Don’t beat yourself up. I myself, and I imagine a lot of others here have had that same incomprehensible demoralization Logan’s talking about… The good news is there is a solution.
If you don’t have a copy of that book you can read it online here:
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The fact that you feel bad is s good sign. Just remember it! Also remember, if you slip, don't slide!
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You can’t succeed if you don’t continue to try. Put your best foot forward friend, you WILL get there if you’re determined to. Sending hugs. 
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Been there. Just don't stay there
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Thank you
Thank you im reading it now
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Thank you for this