I recently came across a couple of posts by people that are very new to sobriety, inquiring about relationships. This has always been a controversial subject. I feel inclined to write about this because I want to save YOU, the newcomer the big trouble that it cost me from not heeding the warnings of others.
I've also learned through the years that any subject requiring sacrifice usually becomes controversial because let's face it, who likes making sacrifices? I'm 63 now. And although I still think about it, the hormones are not raging like they were when I was a younger man. Giving up the opposite s-x in the first year of sobriety is a big sacrifice at any age but especially when we are young. But I promise you it has its rewards too.
In 1985, I met a woman outside of the program. The one thing we did enjoy doing together was drinking. We pretty much drank and got drunk nearly every day for the 7 years or so we were together. We were married for about 5 years of those 7. I have a long, long list that I could tell you about all the bad things that happened during the last 4 years of that relationship. Let's just say that the police got to know us by our first names.
In 1990 I was court ordered into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had also been in a treatment center by my own choice two times. My wife drank as much as I did but she showed no interest in getting any help. She went to an AA meeting with me one time and never went back again. She simply had no interest in getting sober. It eventually led to us getting divorced.
Before we signed the papers, I jumped into another relationship with a woman that I found in the program. In hindsight, that move was the epitome of stupid and selfish. Of course I was sure that she was the woman of my dreams. (LOL) People in the program tried to warn us both that we were going down a very slippery slope and they advised us both to put a relationship off for at least a year but just like most people today don't listen, we didn't listen either. They were six of the most miserable years of my life.
I'm not going to bore you with all the details of all the events that happened in that relationship but let's just say that they were not good. During that time we both ended up in treatment centers and jails. Between those two relationships I helped bring three kids into this world. These kids have long since grown up but don't have much interest in having a relationship with me because I was gone most of the time, living the life of a drunk. I couldn't even take care of myself much less anyone else and so I ran and hid because alcohol was my master.
I got sober in December of 2002.
Side note:
My sobriety tracker will show that I've been sober over 8 years and the reason being is when I was almost 9 years sober I relapsed in 2011 which cost me about 3 years of drinking. Lessons Learned.
Back to my story,
I met a man in the program who became my sponsor. After asking him to be my sponsor he laid down a few rules if he was going to help me. And then he said he had one more thing to ask of me." Do you think you can stay away from women for the first year?" Ughh!
I started to get into another relationship not realizing what I was doing until he brought it to my attention. After I got out of that relationship I stayed away from women for at least a year and then mostly until I met my now wife in 2015.
I had a good sponsor. He really saw through a different set of lenses than I did. I learned during this time that I was actually codependent as most of us are in early sobriety who are looking to get into relationships. Most of the time we want to get into a relationship because we think that it's going to ease the discomfort that comes with learning how to live life without picking up a drink or a drug. We think we are so in love when in fact we don't really know anything about real love. Relationships are definitely not a solution!
During this time I also came to understand that I had never really lived in any place by myself, paying my own bills and simply learning who I was. During this time I got into flying airplanes. I also started reading books and finding all kinds of interests. I took some classes like personal finance. I joined a church and went to a 3 night seminar on dating and marriage. LOL. Drunks simply don't participate in these type of events when we are practicing alcoholics.. LOL
In hindsight I wish that I would have left those girls alone because truth be known, I didn't really have anything good at that time to offer those women. I did eventually have to temporarily put the aviation on the shelf because I had to take responsibility for what I owned from all the bad decisions that I made while I was drinking and messing around with women that I had no business being with. When alcohol is your master, everything and I mean everything is secondary.
When I got sober in 2002 I owed almost $75,000 in back child support. And yes it has all since been paid in full. I've had my bank account emptied out a few times because of back child support. Talk about something that will completely destroy your week. I'm a truck driver, and I had my license temporarily suspended once until I made a phone call and made restitution with child support.
We can run from our problems when we are drinking everyday but sooner or later they catch up to us.
In closing, I want to say that my life got to be the way it did because of decisions that I made that were based on self. I never stopped to think about how my actions would affect the other person. You see, when we get sober and take the 12 Steps we learn that we are really self-servers. We don't really think about what's best for other people. We don't really think about how our actions are going to affect other people. That's one of the things that we learn about ourselves in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm sure after I publish this post I'm going to think about all the things that I forgot to say so let me close by saying this.
God gives us the sacred gift of the prerogative of choice. But God does not give us the privilege of determining a different outcome to what that choice will entail. The consequences are bound to the choice. People who have been sober long-term see through a different set of lenses than people who have been sober for only a short time. The only way to understand this is to give sobriety a chance and do not make any major decisions for the first year. Major decisions include getting into any relationships.
That is my suggestion based on my experience. And if you talk to other alcoholics/addicts who have been down the same road they will probably testify of the same experience that I had to go through.
Oh and by the way, this woman that I met on line in 2015, we have been married since 2019. Her and her kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. One of the rewards of sobriety is learning how to take our time when it comes to making major decisions in our lives and choosing wisely.
Many, many good things have happened to me since I've been sober. I have a long gratitude list!
I've also had a few not so good things happen but we learn to take life in stride. We also learn that we don't have to drink when life throws us a curve ball.
Choose wisely my freinds and God will bless you!