Resilience

Struggling Help
#1

I had about 100 days then I relapsed and was out for almost 2 months. My using took me from shiny sober and glamorous to crippled dirty and hopeless. I have an amazing job, people who care about me, a dog who loves me unconditionally. You think I would love to be me. But I don’t. The way I use, it’s clear I hate myself and who I am. I might get a nice job, some extra money to buy nice things. But deep down I am so disgusted with who I am as a person, physically, mentally and emotionally that it drives me right back to using. Just another cycle, another reason that makes me hate myself even more. I didn’t realize that this was even a trigger for myself until it actually happened. The insecurities that are cut so deep I had no idea they were there. That is what caused me to lose my hundred and something days. Clearly I “believe” there is something wrong with me to the point that I don’t even think I’m capable of being able to save myself.

Anyway, I have 2 days today. I’m just kinda existing in this world right now. Not really living in it.

8 Likes
#3

Father I have core beliefs that are driving me to insanity, sprit please transmute any and all beliefs of blank( ask yourself and close your eyes start writing) open your eyes speak them out loud in authority to transform and transmute Them to what he would have them be in all times, and space cells and dna rna creator thank you

#5

2 days is a great start! What helps me sometimes is to give myself some grace to make mistakes and not be so hard on myself.

3 Likes
#6

You came back so that’s nothing to be disgusted with. You are perfectly imperfect just like God made you to be. Lean heavy into prayer and seek God in all you do while working on your recovery.

3 Likes
#7

Dylan, you’re not alone. I felt very similar to you.
After some time sober and really going deep into my step work multiple times. I realized my ego, my addict mind was the problem my whole life. I had financial success, many people who loved me, great physical health, talent, and so much to be thankful for. But I was a dissatisfied, miserable person and didn’t have a clue. It was my ego/addict mind.
Please don’t give up. Go deeeeep!
I’ll friend request you now. I sponsor people that truly want to be free and are willing to do the work.
Either way I wish you the best of luck.

2 Likes
#8

Bro, I've relapsed 30 gd times. This is my last try, then I'm done.

#9

You got this

#10

You can do it. Just don’t have the first drink. That’s my new motto

1 Like
#11

I can relate bro, it took me about 5 years to finally get sober. I had enough and went through months of treatment. Now i have 10 months almost 11. Dont give up, no matter how long it takes you bro. Once you get through the begining it gets easier, but it never gets easy.

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#12

Man, that is tough stuff and I know how it feels from experoence. Now that you've found what's really bothering you, what are you going to do about it?

#13

I can relate with you 1000%! I was a software engineer making 6 figures and I lost my job more than once already. I seriously don't want to live, but I absolutely will not, ever, cause my family the pain of losing me. So, I have finally accepted my reality, found God, and I now feel alive. I take life as a challenge, day by day.

#14

I don’t even know where to start :cry::cry::cry::cry: or where to pick up the pieces and turn my life around. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live in active addiction but I also I don’t want to be living in discomfort 24/7

2 Likes
#15

Give yourself the same advice you'd give any of us. Forgive yourself. Look it yourself and imagine yourself as every age that some thing traumatic happened and apologize and tell yourself that you love that version of yourself and that they don't need to be afraid or angry anymore that you are here now and you won't let them down.

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#16

I get that. Have you read/heard of Annie Grace's book 'The Alcohol Experiment'? If not Inwould get a copy, ebook os cheap. It's a good daily read for 30 days on the realities of what alcohol does and doesn't do.

#17

Just know there are people out there that love and care about you. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see too. I’m just hitting 3 months. Countless relapses and ptsd. But yea just know your loved!