Last night I drank too much, made a terrible fool of myself in front of so many people. I was mean, out of control, crazy, idk what is wrong with me. I lost my work laptop and my wallet too. I’m not doing okay and I wish I knew why I behaved this way when I drink. I don’t know why alcohol turns me into some monster. I want to disappear
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I never intended to get shi@faced when I drank but somehow I almost always did. That’s why the part in the big book that talked about an allergy made sense to me.
“A physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession”
When I take the first drink I can’t stop.
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Been there Tara…. This too shall pass 
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Tara I don’t know about anyone but myself, but for me, I have a disease called alcoholism. There is no cure. Treatment of a spiritual variety, practiced daily (hourly, minute to minute if need be) provides me with a daily reprieve from the compulsion to drink.
If I do drink, it is off to the races. I’m a disaster and my life is unmanageable.
If you feel this way, you may be like me. And you may benefit from the program of AA.
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I think many of us know exactly how terrible you feel, Tara. We choose different ways to get and stay sober so I hope you find your way too. Sobriety can be challenging but hopefully you will rediscover hope, gratitude, and many other positive feelings. Plus you are guaranteed never to have another night like last night if you are sober. You can do it!
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We know why, because it turned us into monsters too. But you don’t have to be one again, I haven’t been one in over five years and I know that feeling you are expressing. The humiliation was devastating, my last drunk had me suicidal. One or two nights of drinking could cause issues I dealt with for years because of my actions. It’s all about perspective, what if I told you that if you are really done, there is help, I found it in AA meetings (because that is the only place I know of to this day that I find people that understand blackout drinking)one day the nights and days or anxiety, despair and humiliation could be used to help others quit drinking and actually save someone’s life. You are not alone, we can help, only you know when you have had enough though. God bless 
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Ya thanks! Brings back many cringe memories for me! I’m an alcoholic of the worse kind. I could be extremely violent and many times hurt people and incarcerated over & over. Not to mention all the valuables I lost. After becoming sick & tired, I finally surrendered and did the AA program 300% for 5 years.
This is the easier softer way, no brainer! I hope you get it now! Good luck and please stay in touch.
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You and alcohol don’t work. Acceptance is hard but needed if you want to move past this and live better. Rooting for you!
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You are here that's what matters. Let's not focus on the past. Everything that matters happens in the present. It truly is a gift.
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Well, you already disappeared when you drank and became someone that you are not. The lesson in that should be that while disappearing may seem like a good idea, it is not and is rarely if ever helpful in the long run.
Why we return to our addictions like a dog returning to its vomit is beyond me. I am speaking mostly of myself, by the way. Personal experience.
Relapse can be tricky as we often tend to beat ourselves up over it while h does little good of any. You made a mistake Tara. Learn from it. If you continue to relapse, something is missing. Perhaps meetings, a support system, a sponsor. Perhaps you missed a step or did not spend enough time on a step. Or perhaps it comes down to your own relationship with yourself. Or your relationship with your creator. Without knowing you and your situation it is impossible to say but certainly if this continues to occur, the situation calls for some serious reflection. Wishing you all the best and praying for you, literally.
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I am on day one and I feel exactly like you do
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Please don't disappear Tara, sorry things are tough right now. It was the poison messing with all you chemical balances that put you in whatever mindset you were in. I know you can pick up the pieces, find your stuff, and make amends one step at a time
That’s exactly why I stop drinking..I was loosing control, let us know if we can help you
It’ll pass! Give it time. Read the Bible, Psalms.
Hey Tara will you be my friend?
We need each other
Are you ok?