It’s 1:14 am, and I am in my own bed, sober, full of pizza and safe from the people, places, and things that used to dominate my life at this hour.
Saturday used to mean wild nights with people who didn’t care about me, wandering from drug and drink to drug and drink. I hated it, but I couldn’t stop. I would pull into my driveway, beyond pissed off at myself as I saw the sun rise and hear the sounds of morning.
“Never doing this again. I hate it.” I would repeat those words countless times.
For years I hated those memories. They were painful reminders of how much I hated myself, how much I tortured myself, and mostly how much time I wasted that I could never get back. So much of my life I gave away to self-destruction.
I remember when I first got sober, I would nearly break my arm trying to pat myself on the back for doing normal things like eating, sleeping, not missing work or family functions. It was a big deal to me, and it lessened the pain of how messed up I was.
Now, with some clarity, I am glad to say- I don’t regret a thing. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Yes, I wasted thousands, lost a lot of time, and I dragged anyone who cared about me through the rollercoaster of my relapses and failures.
But I also learned something that is priceless- no matter how low or far gone you are- you are never beyond the reach of recovery. Change is possible. A day without regret is possible. A day without the self loathing is possible.
All you need is the willingness to change.
Just for today- I will be grateful for how far I have come, and I will be thankful for all my failures, and I will use them to inspire others who seek out the strength of the fellowship.