The High Cost of Self-Betrayal
Why we get hooked into it…and how to unhook ourselves.
Annie Tanasugarn, PhD
“The worst of all deceptions, is self-deception.” — Plato
Have you ever convinced yourself that you’ll never be good enough no matter what you do — so you wind up
doing nothing but replacing your motivation with procrastination?
Have you ever found yourself going with the flow (but against your values or moral compass) at work or around
your friends or family, even though it leaves you feeling confused or ashamed?
Or have you ever found yourself settling for less than your worth in a relationship, or lying to yourself that
you’re authentically happy, when the best you feel is content, or numb?
Enter, the red flags of self-betrayal.
Misperceptions, misbehaviors, and misbeliefs have their roots in self-betrayal, which become the slippery slope
of the rabbit hole.
And, where we may start falling down that spiral, into self-sabotaging oblivion.
First, what is self-betrayal?
We’ve probably all got ideas about what betrayal is, and many of us have probably experienced an ear-full or a
heart-full of it in our lives. We may have had parents or caregivers betray us in childhood where we couldn’t
trust them or count on them as predictable, or consistent.
We may have learned to put up or shut up, and that our needs or our opinion, didn’t matter. As a result: the
writing on the wall was telling us we didn’t matter.
We may have had run-ins with toxic friends who donned agendas, or intimate partners who donned a mask,
while masquerading as a soulmate. Or, we may have betrayed those in our lives, either by proxy from how we
were raised, or out of sheer intention.
Thus…
If betrayal is the definition of being deceived by another, self-betrayal is defined as deceiving ourselves.
If betrayal is based on distrusting others, self-betrayal is based on refusing to trust ourselves, or our own
intuition.
If betrayal is being traumatized by someone else, self-betrayal is when we consciously or unconsciously
traumatize ourselves.
Self-betrayal begins in childhood. Like any other generational wounds we wind up carrying, they were never
ours to own. Self-betrayal is conditioned. Modeled. Imitated. Learned. And mastered.
It may begin as Conditions of Worth — where narcissistic parenting places conditions on whether or what will
make that child “worthy” of love. Today, conditions may be based on making the football team. Tomorrow,
conditions of worth can generalize to choosing the career mom or dad wanted (expected) to continue
collecting crumbs of their “love”.
If staying on this path, it can further generalize to poor choices in friends, people-pleasing behavior and
emotional misery in relationships.
All while betraying your Self.
3 Biggest Red Flags of Self Betrayal
Because self-betrayal can operate on both a conscious and an unconscious level, we may not “know” whether
we’re sabotaging, or betraying ourselves. We may be stuck on repeat as a creature of habit, or a denizen of the
familiar.
So, the challenge becomes one of bringing the unconscious into conscious awareness. By tapping into how self-
betrayal looks in action, we’re also starting to recognize where along the spectrum of self-betrayal, we may fall.
Perfectionism. As Brene Brown puts it, those who routinely engage in self-betrayal are stuck on a loop of
“Please. Perfect. Perform.”, meaning that it’s a constant cycle of addictive, toxic misbeliefs and an equally
addictive cycle of self-sabotaging behavior.
How does this play out in self-betrayal?
The child who is being taught Conditions of Worth can get locked in this loop of perfectionistic self-betrayal,
where doing a good job receives approval, triggering the child to “perfect” themselves, for more approval. Or,
in adult relationships, it can show up as being the agreeable partner, who’s accommodating, always putting
their needs last and their partner’s needs first, while sacrificing themselves for the relationship.
Toxic Relationships. This can be the most dangerous slippery slope. If a kid is being taught self-betrayal,
Conditions of Worth and perfectionism as “normal”, they’re also being handed the subliminal message that
narcissistic relationships are the norm.
Here is where we usually go against what we deserve, because we were toxically conditioned to believe we
are undeserving. So, we try harder. We perfect how we look. We adore. We idealize. We perfect our
attentiveness. We try harder. We push our opinions aside and go with the flow. We take up their hobbies to feel
closer to them. We take up their likes and dislikes as our own. We push our needs to the side. We deny their
indifference towards us. And, we try harder.
Down the rabbit hole…
While emotional dependency is common in intimate relationships that are based on self-betrayal, other signs
can be present too. For example, you may feel indecisive, or even scared of having an opinion from having been
silenced in childhood. Or, you may fear disappointing your partner for having the “wrong” opinion.
Yet, it doesn’t stop there.
We may intuitively or instinctively know when things aren’t what they appear to be in our relationship. The red
flags start waving and even though they might be playing in a different key, its the same song and dance, as
those beforehand.
So, why do we stay? Survival mode. Why does toxic resonate as normal? Survival mode. And, why don’t we feel
we are deserving of better? Yup…survival mode.
As long as survival mode is operating behind the scenes, self-betrayal is at the wheel.
Survival Mode. The foundation of all self-sabotaging behavior and self-betrayal are based on survival mode. If
our reality was denied in childhood, we can grow up identifying with our parents' reality. And, along with their
reality, are their behaviors and choices that identify their reality. Which we’ve taken on as our own, while
betraying ourselves.
The outcome is impulsive behavior, poor choices, toxic habits…while betraying our basic need for self-love as
selfishness.
So, why continue in self-betrayal?
Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of being exposed for being afraid. Fear of disappointing others.
And fear of disappointing ourselves.
So, why continue?
Complacency. Familiarity. And comfort zones. Ironically, self-betrayal will feel “good” when it’s all a person has
known, been shown or been told to believe.
So, why continue?
Shame. Guilt. A nagging and cruel inner critic whose messages are on a toxic loop reminding us that self-
betrayal and survival mode are all we’re worth.
Yet….
The amount of energy it takes to keep survival mode, self-sabotage and self-betrayal in gear, is the same
amount of energy it would take choosing thriving, growth and self-love.
Unhooking Ourselves
Disengaging from a toxic narrative and cycle of self-betrayal will challenge you. It will challenge your beliefs,
your misbeliefs, your values and the values of others you’ve taken on as your own. It will challenge your habits,
the cycles of self-sabotage and the patterns learned in survival mode.
Self-compassion. Self-betrayal isn’t learned overnight, or over a year. It’s based on slow, consistent
conditioning. Unlearning self-betrayal unfolds in a similar way and requires self-forgiveness, self-
awareness and self-acceptance, as well as as going easy on yourself along the way.
Recognize Where Your Unmet Needs Are. Because so many unhealthy narratives in our lives are based on
unmet basic needs, self-betrayal is no different. Kids who went unheard and invalidated grow to become adults
who seek out invalidation (either consciously or unconsciously) in their relationships.
Children who never felt safe or secure can become adults who find themselves tangled up with those who
violate their boundaries or betray their trust, further negating their need for safety.
By recognizing where our needs are, we are allowing ourselves to become more aligned with self-awareness
and self-love, while dismissing self-betrayal.
Will it be easy? No. Nothing worth having comes easy…
…but, aren’t you worth that challenge?
