So i am over a year sober, and at work the other day, i started to accomplish some work that had been set aside for a week. Initially, i said to myself "awesome i am proud of myself." Immediately afterward, a voice cried out in the back of my head. No, you can't do that.
I have had a long time to perfect this way of protecting myself from having my confidence shattered or being demoralized. By remaining at the bottom and stealing away any pride or confidence i have in myself, no one else will be able to take it away.. Im not going to use because of it. It's not an immediate trigger, but i am recognizing that it's these obsolete defense mechanisms that help me to feel a hollow emptiness that only my addiction eased.
If i slip back into the same thought patterns, then i am already taking a step toward relapse.
A.C.A has helped a lot with the emotional and behavior side of my sobriety. I would recommend to everyone to at least try and see if you relate.