I'm not sure if I'm ruining my own life and self sabotaging or some of my friends are genuinely not my friends.
I feel like I pick friends who genuinely do not care about me. I think of myself as a good friend but maybe I'm not.
All in all- I feel just so very alone and wonder if I've done it to myself.
That’s a tough one. I know for me, when I was in active addiction, I was a complete d bag and chose people to be around that I thought I could get something from. And as the saying goes birds of a feather… if you are not in a program of some sort I would recommend it. The fellowship and friendship you will find there can show you what is selfless, and healthy relationships look like. That would at least give you a good idea to gauge your current situations on. Good luck to you.
Tough one. I have 18 years and don’t have many friends…my circle has gotten very small and I kinda like it that way. I’m sure you are a good person and we must realize that being sober our friends will be found in the rooms.
I can totally relate! I agree with comments about surrounding yourself with healthy people, particularly those that are working on themselves. I listen really closely to hear how others talk about others!
I just thought I found my girl tribe of single moms a year ago, but then the gossip, marginalization, and triangulation started…about me and another very new member to the group. I had the courage to call the newer member to tell her that I liked her, what was said about her, what was happening to me, and I was distancing myself from that group. She said she was going to, too. We are now the best of friends because we are positive, loving and secure with ourselves. We’ve included our healthy friends to make our own tribe!
I definitely can relate to that feeling. After finishing rehabs and coming back out, I realized that a lot of people that I considered were my close friends… well, really weren’t. They all completely disappeared after they found out what happened and I haven’t seen nor heard from them in my almost three years of sobriety.
But at the same time, it opened up closer relationships to people that I did not know were pretty much going through the same situation as me during the same time. We’ve gotten closer, talking about our struggles with alcohol, etc.
I feel that sometimes our struggles reveal who’s really there for you and who’s not. 
I’m no psychologist but it sounds like there maybe more to it. If I ever feel that way or question something, I try to look at it objectively. Don’t forget we play a role in every relationship we’re in. It doesn’t mean we’re flawed but reminding yourself of that can truly open the door to finding the reasons we feel the way we feel.
Maybe you pick friends that “don’t care” because you don’t want them to learn too much about you. Whether that be for reasons you don’t want to share or just being introverted to some degree, maybe it’s a defense mechanism from feeling responsibility of gaining close and meaningful relationships. Maybe there’s an anxiety level in the mix. In no way am I saying this is the case but do some digging into yourself. If you find answers there and you want change, it starts with you. Only one party plays the role in self sabotage, so do some searching.
Get at me if you need someone to talk to.