Today, I felt okay. That is my baseline now. Just okay.
It's not okay to just be okay for me.
I deserve happiness. I get angry sometimes when I see people who did horrible things to me looking happy, enjoying life, and progressing forward in their relationships and aspirations.
I never thought I would have so many enemies. They are worse because they aren't self-made. They are people who harmed me without provocation.
When i had no enemies, I was still only okay because I was silently grieving the loss of so many people I love in my life.
Now, I'm dealing with both in addition to my health, recovery, and pursuits.
It weighs heavily on my emotional wellness. I go into mental escapism and fantasy often.
When my mind gets set off with anger, sorrow, or pain, I think about how I can't get back the number of years I suffered and lost to my suffering. I was unable to enjoy my life, although there was much to be enjoyed.
I tried gratitude lists, meditation, prayer, and silent retreat in nature, but my head was filled with chaos, and my heart was sullen with sadness.
The feeling of love went missing, and no action I took to change it could bring it back to me. I still feel this way often.
On the days and nights that I felt suicidal, it was sometimes because I couldn't stop the chaos unraveling all around me, and then other times, it was the chaos unraveling inside of me. I couldn't shut it off.
The alcohol and drugs didn't truly help. I drank and drugged for reprieve for the emotional pain and mental anguish to keep me motivated, productive, and distracted.
I wish I had back all that I lost and more. I want both. Some of the things and people I want back in my life seem logically impossible to have. Other days I ask myself, even if I can't have it all back - can I have even better?
I feel like an infant wanting my baby teeth again.
It all seems unfathomable. I feel stuck in a cyclical nightmare I can't wake from.
Will I wake like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz?