Sober 34 days. After 26 days inpatient I packed up my entire apartment in Chicago and put everything in storage. Then I flew to Dallas and am now in PHP while doing sober living. Last week during this move I had a huge anxiety attack. No cravings just overwhelming anxiety. I pushed thru. All of a sudden today, I am craving hard. Not so much the drink itself but the carefree way I just didn’t give a sh;t about things when I was drinking. I miss being a drunk - so much less culpability it feels. Why am I doing this again? To go back to a sh;t career I hate and play the role of a ‘responsible’ adult? Any tips on pushing through these bouts of self doubt are very welcome.
Find a job you like or can tolerate. Remember you aren’t your career. Responsible is a loose term. Take care of some stuff but have fun. My number one priority is happiness and fun. And with some taking care of it can remain that way. I spent twenty years doing what I loved but getting abused doing it. Now I work to pay bills but still continue my passion on those that appreciate it. 20 years in the restaurant industry.
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Brendan that voice telling you it was better when you were drunk is your addiction. Cunning, baffling and powerful. You ignore that voice. It’s a liar. Nothing is better drunk. Nothing is solved by getting drunk. Nothing fixed. Nothing gained. Nothing positive.
Drinking is just pushing pause. It’s all still there waiting for you.
The cause of the problem cannot also be the solution.
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Update: went to a Big Book meeting last night after posting this. I was feeling pretty cynical to be honest. But it was the best thing. It was almost like I was supposed to be there. The self doubt and self pity I was experiencing was really me being selfish, and being honest about that with myself made me realize that my higher power was working it’s magic. I left feeling so much better and focused. Thanks guys!!
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