Chatting with folks in my inbox here this morning and had a realization hit me about this morning and how much I have changed in just this 2 months and 26 days of sobriety from EVERYTHING. Before that clean time at this time in the morning I would still have been up but instead of being awake early to head to the YMCA to grab the only open swim lane they had available to book at 6am so I can exercise and work my body out to get and stay healthy in one of the manners I greatly enjoy… before this sober time I would have been awake now still alright and likely for days before or after as well as I stayed just up and strung out with no sleep for days at a time to the point of me having hallucinations, emotional breakdowns, and days of unintentional self-starvation all due to the insomniac state that I could see I was in as days passed and passed all while my physical appearance got worse and worse while often my clothing got dirtier and dirtier until I finally would have a break that was anthing but healthy but even that was only paid attention to because of people close to me noticing that my emotional state was off or my attempts to communicate were failed as I began to make no sense and god forbid they had to see me for any reason in 3 day okd clothes, eyes rubbed raw, corners of my mouth cracked open, speckled bumps broken put in clusters randomly on my face, my cheeks sunken in quite literally almost like I was sucking the inside of my cheeks and tongue so badly (both anxious habits the drug gave me in addition to the dry mouth) that I suddenly had 2.5 inch long dimples that indented the meat of my face enough that you could fit your fingernail in the dip - and more. All that and more. But I’m not up and strung out this morning… I’m instead sitting in my bathing suit waiting for the current swimmer to free my lane so that I can do even more to stay healty and sober by taking further care of my body.
Another conversation on this app this morning had me realizing a second thing that I’d like to share. I have been addicted to something to some degree since i was 12. Weed and occasionally pills from 12-25, coke from 25 til I found meth at 29. Everything before the meth i was able to go months at a time between uses throughout my life as my use centered more around what was happening in my life leaving me weed free for a year between my addictions, coke free for 6 or 7 months at a time as I began a new job i had to focus on and spend time in. But meth? The longest ive been without it these last 8 or 9 years was 5 months 2 years ago and even then i couldn’t do it free and clear like i managed with the other mess. I couldn’t bear to be without it without some distraction from the fact that i fid not have it so I literally spent those whole 5 months popping pain pills to get past the devastating urges and even that wasnt enough. Every other attempt in all these years? Ive never made it more than 2 months free and clear of nothing as well as the meth itself-until now. I am at 2 months and 26 days of doing this cr*p all by my dang self. Just ME. I even turned down the opiod pain meds from my dental surgery coming up scared it might trigger me if i used anything at all again regardless of the reason and id end up back on the meth again which is where all of it leads. I am just realizing now that me doing that out of fear only adds to this ME power i got going on of making it clean and sober from everything, yes, but especially from that fcking satan’s grip of an evil drug that is meth and doing so without anything else triggering or ‘helping’ me. Because that mess wasnt help popping those pills to cope until i eventually relapsed and gave in. It was just holding a space. Not solving a problem. But leaving the problem open ended with no solution in sight. But I see the end now and im fcking running with it and speaking my truth as i push past these 26 days and onward to my 3 montjs. A year from here, then 3, then 10 and soon the rest of my fcking life. I can feel it now, truly, this is the time that all this ME power has been put to use and will matter most. This is the time where my sobriety becomes more than just a hopeful future but instead an achievable one that I can actually see.
Please excuse my emotional diatribe of self realization and gratitude for where I am but I simply had to share my truth right now with my peers on this amazing app who can actually understand where Im coming from and see my struggles ajd achievements not as shakeful things but stories of progression and growth that lead us to our goal of lifetime sobriety and in a healthy way.
Now excuse me while i pull my cr*p together and go get my last 5 mins left in this swim lane after wasting half my damned time giving yall all the depths of my emotion that have come up with this journey. Heck, nevermind, i take it back! I wasted nothing! Me getting out those two points of fact in my recovery journey was momentous for me and I just know that it will all help another person too out there on the app who reads over my truths and maybe that help will lead them to another day sober as well. <333