Sober Shaming

Struggling Help
#1

I've been sober for 238 days (:tada:) so far and am super proud of it! It has not been an easy 8 months, but I feel stronger each day.

My social life has taken the greatest hit; I completely stopped going out to meet friends at usual drinking holes, which in turn cut myself off from my social life, as they all continued to want to socialize around drinking.

I went to visit a friend out of town, my first social event in a LONG time, and was asked if I would be ok with going to a beer fest, knowing I was sober, saying there would be NA drinks available (Which there were! No NA beer ironically lol). I'm totally ok with being around drinking and having others actively drinking around me--I feel no urge for it or FOMO at all.

So I was doing dandy by myself at this beer fest drinking Bubly with my friend when a friend of her's (who is a medical doctor in his first year of residency) came up to me and started asking 20 questions about why I came to a beer fest if I don't drink. I get it--it's weird--but my friend wanted to support her friend that was running the event. Then the doctor asked me "Did you stop because you had a problem?"

This last question really took me aback... a complete stranger to me (and a medical doctor at that!) asked me if I had a problem with alcohol, and for the first time in 230 days--I felt embarrassed and even shame about NOT drinking alcohol.

It's been a week since the beer fest, and I can't let this feeling go--the scene is playing over and over in my head. I'm struggling with this sense of shame that makes me never want to do social events again if I'll always receive this. Am I overreacting?

Should I just expect this is how people are going to react to non-drinkers? Why is NOT drinking alcohol a bad thing? What if I DID have a problem with alcohol--would I be judged for not drinking?

Has anyone else had this experience and if so, can you offer any advice? :pray: Keep on being sober!

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#2

Wow! I am sorry you had to deal with that. And that it is still bugging you. What he did was straight up rude af! Medical professional or not it was not ok.
On the other side.. yeah I think you are over thinking it. The truth is we are alcoholic. We have a problem with drinking. I have come to realize if I own that, and just keep my side of the street clean, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.
You did a good thing for a friend, that’s awesome. Don’t feel shame, guilt or even let that rude jackhole bug you. It could just be the way he talks, or he was genuinely curious about alcoholics. You don’t know. Still it was rude. Let it go and be proud of your accomplishments.

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#3

What that individual did was both inappropriate and unnecessary.

I am going to ask you to read that first part again.

You are allowing someone else's inappropriate actions to invade your head and your heart. You are allowed to be upset and you are allowed to be hurt. But this was someone else's inappropriate action, not yours. It speaks far more about who they are as a person than it does you.

You have a disease, a terminal illness. Living with that disease requires abstaining from drinking alcohol. Whether you choose to discuss that with someone else is entirely up to you. And it is no one's business but yours. That is the bottom line.

Sobriety is not about avoiding alcohol or drugs. It's about learning to live life on life's terms. And part of that is recognizing that there are people in the world who think and talk with their rectum (how's that for bypassing the app language filter! :rofl:). Don't let people like that live rent free in you mind. That is a bouncing baby resentment feeding the demon. You deserve better than that.

And just to be clear, I am telling you something I need to hear. I excel at letting other people tear me down mentally and emotionally. It's no way to live. And it is no way to stay sober.

#4

I have been to many events where I don’t drink . I prefer to drink alone in the company of no one. I have learned that when you attend these events and you are asked that question my reply is I have drank enough. Walk around with a virgin drink so you don’t have those annoying conversations. A drink that May look like an alcoholic drink say a coke on ice . People will assume it’s an alcoholic drink .I feel they ask the stupid questions because they feel
Like they are doing something wrong by seeing a non drinker. Have your virgins drink and don’t worry what they think!!

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#5

It's ironic... Alcohol is the only drug out there where you have to explain to people why you DON'T do it. Like, imagine people coming up and staying "waiting, you don't smoke three grams of meth a day? That's kind of odd..." it's the same logic and it's weird. When folks ask me, I don't preach about problems, or sobriety. I simply just say "I had too much other stuff in life I wanted to do and alcohol just felt like it was in the way."

No reasonable minded person has ever questioned me in this logic.

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#6

Keep doing you, sometimes people just don’t understand :woman_shrugging:t2:

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#7

She has zero self awareness. Don’t sweat it, man.

Best thing I ever did was let go of all my old “friends.” I may be a party of one, but I don’t feel bad about my life or my decisions.

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#9

Was the Resident drinking, because inappropriate behavior like that is what alcohol does to humans. Not much fun to be the only sober person at a drunk fest. Find a sober social events. Jogging, hiking, skiing, biking groups are some. EtOH isn’t their focus

#10

I totally get it. Those situations are awkward. No shame is warranted. As far as re-running the tape, I was famous for that. Not anymore. If someone is judging me that’s on them. I’m powerless over people places and things. I can’t change their minds, only my own.

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#12

Dude! I do have to deal with people like that from time to time. This is how I feel about and handle it. I don’t care what anybody else thinks of the choice I made to not use chemicals. Their whatever issue with it is not my problem. Don’t let what other people think of you control you. You control you.
If she asked me that same question I would respectfully tell her… Yeah alcohol was a problem and It had to stop. Then I would add… And now I have all my other problems that I have no where to hide from and I have to face them all head on. It’s my experience that issues like this (and everything else with recovery) become easier with time.