Social Isolation

Struggling Help
#1

My addiction cost me the majority of my friendships and relationships with extended family. I acknowledge this and while I’m living a clean life for myself, part of me is doing it for external validation.

Weekends have been killing me recently. Five years ago, I’d have 30-40 friends to call up for an impromptu get together, parties I had friends inviting me too, social functions Manhattan, etc. My life was bursting with the joy that I got from regular socializing.

Now I’ve gone through detox, haven’t had alcohol in more than a year, went to an inpatient facility, and am attending meetings and therapy. I’m doing virtually as much as I’d possible. And yet I’m still a pariah—I don’t receive invites to things and most days it feels like I’ll never be liked by friends again.

I’ve heard a lot of answers to this, but what can I do to regain the trust and love of friends other than just let recovery to take its course? I’m stuck in a catch-22 where regular socializing would drastically improve my mood, and the status quo, which is suffering through recovery without even a guarantee I’ll get my friends back.

This is not sustainable for me, and is wearing heavily on me. How can I pivot my thinking on it or otherwise take actions to try and rebuild these relationships? Or do I really need to suffer silently and alone?

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#2

Have you tried making amends? More specifically, to the ones you're willing to actively show and continue to prove that you have become a better person? The hardest part for me was allowing myself to be vulnerable and take the initiative. Be mindful of who deserves this new version of yourself. You dont need to make amends with everyone you've hurt if you don't genuinely feel the need to. If they care enough about your friendship, they'd be willing to listen. It's up to them if they want to continue the friendship, but at that point, you've said your peace. Friendship is a two-way street, just like any relationship; a give and take on repeat. :woman_shrugging:

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#3

Thanks for this. What’s so frustrating is that I have been making very heartfelt apologies to those I care about. I’ve owned up to my mistakes and people see me clearly doing better, so maybe they weren’t real friends in the first place? I don’t know if that’s more sad or less.

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#4

I think u need new better friends. Ones that stick by your side no matter what respecting your new normal. Start out going out with one or two ppl you like to lunch.

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#5

It's neither. I'd like to think it's their loss. Radical acceptance. You'll find people who will want to spend their time with you. Unless you're just a sh!tty person, I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to? That's when positive perspective comes into play. For instance, build that relationship with yourself - a brand new manifesto of personal creativity of sorts :ok_hand: I wholeheartedly believe in the idea of the law of attraction.

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#6

I think focusing more on myself and less time yearning for outside validation is the best step forward, and the real friends will be along for the ride.

I am in no position to comment on this, and take responsibility for my actions, but what’s confusing to me is how many friendships I lost basically for no reason. I was drinking way too much, pugilistic, but I also cooked dinner for me and the roommates every night, kept the apartment clean, respected noise levels, etc. Yes, I’m aware that must have gotten tiring to deal with, but I’m being treated like I caused irreparable harm to friends. I never stole, would celebrate birthdays and holidays, and I’m not sure what it says about my perspective of how my addiction hurt others or, again, whether these are real friends worth being patient and rekindling a relationship with

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#7

I found two main things concerning this.
1- I didn’t realize that the correct behavior I was exhibiting needed to be witnessed over a long period of time before people would trust me.
2- I found I actually had very little in common with the people I knew as “friends” once I was sober and bettering myself.
Service work is my solution most days. Expecting nothing in return.

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#8

Colin! I am struggling with the same issues man. Big time. My life feels so isolated and lonely now that I don’t have those options that use to come naturally. For the most part I have been able to mend most my affaires yet they are who they are and I don’t want to try and change them I just don’t want to take part in it. It’s definitely been a lonely road so if you find a solution I’d love to hear about it.

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#9

Rekindling is a lot of work...
Looking ahead theres new perspectives to listen to...
When I was in recovery it was tough to admit that even though I had a lot of friends I was still isolating socially cuz all of my friends drank...
Now I don't drink and I feel less isolated what you're really saying is is you're ready to feel less isolated

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#10

Find sober friends. It’s less challenging

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#11

You say friends a lot in this. If there not hitting you up to hangout because you are now sober and trying to better your life then in my opinion they were never truly your friends. I have 3 years now and I feel the same way you do bro. I've lost all my "friends" since I've gotten sober but you know what. I'd much rather be bored with no friends then be wasted and surrounded by a bunch of fakes. Stay strong brother!

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#12

Friends that were truly friends came back in spades. I found that most of the people who I thought were friends were just predators hanging around to see what they could get from me. Having 30-40 "people" you refer to as friends is itself not sustainable. I am barely able to handle family, one close personal relationship and maybe 5-8 people that I could count on when the fecal matter impacts the wind accelerator. Just a thought🤷🏼‍♂️

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