Today, I really wish I had something as good as booze… not interested in drinking, just something I enjoyed the way I enjoyed whiskey, back in the day. I wrote my thoughts out earlier. This post is meant as a vent, as I have no other form available in my life.
The Sisyphean Treadmill and Existential Crisis.
Fundamentally, I’ve grown weary of that gnawing feeling of unaccomplishment. A sentiment that has seemingly seeped into every orifice of my existence. Despite the many things I have achieved in the time since I have stopped drinking, I still find expectations unfulfilled.
You can’t merely have honed your skill at a job or task for over ten years, you need to have a deep connection to, and meaning in, your work. Otherwise, your ten plus year career is worthless.
It’s not enough to just change your dietary habits and lose over 60 pounds, you need to hit the gym, get a routine, and build as much muscle as fast as possible. Otherwise you’re worthless to women, and you’ll never reproduce! As an aside, the dating and women subject is a sore one. It’s been over a decade now since anyone has wanted anything to do with me.
Any mere mortal can get on a budget, relocate, cut expenses to almost nothing, and pay off over $50,000 of debt in just eight months. A pitiful task for any simpleton in his 30’s who finally woke up and decided to stop spending every dime he had in a bar. No accomplishment at all, no home, decent car, and your retirement investments are pitiful. A 33 year old should be much farther along.
It’s not good enough that you simply do not drink, you need to be in a program. You need to self-flagellate and admit that you are the worst, most horrible human in existence! That’s the only way to “get better.”
There is never an end, no actual set place that says “finish.” It just keeps going and going. While some may see that as encouraging, an endless stream of tasks to accomplish, I still struggle with just seeing “you’re not good enough” in everything that I do.