Today my feelings have a death grip on me. I can't seem to find a way through them. And gods know, I'm aware that 'this too, shall pass' but it sure as h³ll doesn't feel like it right now.
I know that the only way to get 'past' these feelings is to go through them. I know. I know. I know. But knowledge doesn't necessarily transfer to emotions.
I have been doing this for nearly 40 years, I really have. I've had loooong periods of clean time, double-digit years clean. I've had significant clean time over and over in my life. I've spent the vast majority of my life living clean, so I know how it's done.
Here's the thing though- I'm pretty certain that I never stopped running from my feelings.
I've worked 'some' steps, but not all. I wasn't ready.
Today, I pray that I'm ready. My bottoms are always emotional bottoms, each one lower than the last, getting closer and closer to that ultimate solution.
That's not what I want to do. I don't want to choose permanent solutions for temporary problems.
I mean, it may suck today. I may loathe the way I feel today and my disease may be telling me that it's never going to get any better, that this pain is never going to end... but here's the thing. Tomorrow might be the most beautiful day I've ever experienced. Or maybe the next day, or maybe some little tiny thing will spark that feeling, that memory within me, that life is beautiful. Because even in the most awful times, there is exquisite beauty.
The day that my husband passed, (clean almost 3 years, again) is a perfect example.
The previous night we spent as close as two people can be. The day of his death, we did things together and held hands and just were so happy and so in love and so content. He passed during a break from a movie we were streaming. He passed knowing that he was loved infinitely and unconditionally. He passed clean and no longer had to fight the monster called addiction.
So in that unbelievable sadness and grief, the beauty was there, if only one looked.
I need to look at the beauty of this day and stop revisiting the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
I went to a meeting tonight, for the first time in several days. The topic was the 5th Tradition. That's a great Tradition. That and the 3rd Tradition are probably my favorites.
Just writing this is helping. I need to remember to reach out when I'm in pain instead of holding it all in. I'm great at reaching out a helping hand, but not so good at reaching out FOR a helping hand.
So, today I'm hurting over a lot of things, I'm hurting so much, but I'll get through it. I need to be willing to reach out for help.
Thanks all 
