The uncomfortable feeling of boredom that leads to nostalgia driven sadness has me sighing for more. I cannot figure out what that more means, but I know more means feeling good. I went through so much stuff that boredom seems safer than escaping down the bottle again. I have these feelings inside me. One side wants peace and order and the other wants freedom and sleep. I am working out religiously , but I started reading tarot cards again because I feel lost and scared. Like I am being targeted by a bad omen waiting for the right time to ruin everything I worked long and hard to obtain. I am happy that I much rather be alone than be with someone who doesnt care about me or make an effort to understand me. I have always been misunderstood and I think I like it this way. I know I am a good person and I know I am a working progress. I appreciate being self aware and strong enough to make a change. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to stay sober. I am going to my favorite hookah lounge to read a book, eat dinner and drink mint tea to celebrate. I am starting to love myself. If the love of my life is to love myself, then I am settling for the best love out there.
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Happy early birthday! Being bored and lonely is very common, especially in early recovery. So is a feeling of impending doom and self-sabotage. Do you go to meetings? Going to the gym is great, but for me, it's not enough. I had to work the program to the fullest to get emotional sobriety and to really feel comfortable with my recovery.
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I haven't been to one lately but I went earlier on. I don't feel like drinking but I still feel like I don't want to be here. I see no point but I am walking through in life despite the pain and misery in my heart. However long this vessel holds me...