Starting over once again 
Why is it easier or seem easier for some to quit and not others?
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Time and again, I tried the easier softer way. I am a creature that avoids immediate pain through instant gratification. My failed times in sobriety were no different. When I surrendered to the process fully, miracles began to happen. It was only when I became fully willing, driven by a boatload of pain,that surrender was possible.
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It's not easy for anyone. Just surroundings and you just know when it's time. I'm 61 it took many years. I'm just tired of it. Want to end life well
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In my experience quitting wasn’t the problem. Staying quit was/is my problem. The only solution I have found to staying quit is working a recovery program one day at a time. I couldn’t do it on my own. I tried over and over again only to humiliate myself and cause major damage to myself and loved ones. It’s very frustrating because in other areas of my life I can power thru with self will and determination. However, when it came to alcohol/drugs, I was so darn weak. I strongly recommend getting help and sticking with a daily program of recovery. You can get your life back and so much more
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Cara, I too was a chronic relapser for way too long. I finally got sick and tired of being an utter failure at sobriety and went ALL IN on AA/NA. Morning and evening meetings 7/365, got sponsored and did the 12 steps to the very best of my ability multiple times.
17+ years sober and grateful everyday.
All of those seemingly endless failures became my assets to help others.
I’m here if you have any questions
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Pray on it and believe what you pray for
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unfortunately it's part of our story the key is to keep going..don't stay down! get back up and fight. I relapsed after 6 years..i was out for 4 years and almost gave up..but here I am with 97 days and counting..you can do it too💪
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recovery is personal, tailor it for yourself
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I sought to reduce my I take of alcohol after having been hospitalized. I was bleeding 
internally. After surgery and a blood transfusion (I don’t remember which came first) I vowed to reduce my alcohol intake. I did reduce it. 10 months later I was sick for 2 days with the same symptoms that led me to the Emergency Room earlier that year. The nausea, the weakness, the dizziness, and the dry heaving was enough. When I was able to get out of bed I went to my first meeting and have been on a better path ever since.
I believe those 2 days sick in bed was when, and where, the inner work was taking place. I can’t say it was easy. I can’t say it was hard. I just couldn’t stay in that lifestyle and frame of mind (and spirit) anymore.
Basically, it was like breaking up with a partner. Sure there were some good times but it just wasn’t working anymore. There was some fear about what to expect being without [fill in the blank] but also a little excitement knowing it could be better. During the breakup I did leave some things behind, but those were probably things I didn’t need to be holding on to anyway. I’ll tell you what! I feel (and look) a whole lot better. I have no intention of dating a partner like that again.
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Maybe you do not want to stop as thuz behavior keeps you in the egoic mind of being sick is who you are. The very fact of not knowing who you are gives you more focus to stop using and get the help you need
Also what ever you think you have done in the past. It is nothing compared to others that let go of the past. Time to stop playing and now to start working like never before get sober and clean. Practice only one moment one day at a time to change with gods help in the present.0
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It's not about how many times you go down. Its about how many times you pick yourself up. Try again. Keep going
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Oh man, Cara, I feel this in my soul. I was sober from alcohol for 9 years before I relapsed on a drug that wasn't even my drug of choice. It forced me to look in the mirror and figure out the why behind it.
What I realized is that I had spent all my time focusing on recovering the physical part of my sobriety, but I never actually healed my mental health. Putting down the substance fixes the physical wreckage, but if the mental and emotional stuff underneath isn’t healed, you are basically white-knuckling it while sitting in a room with the exact same ghosts you were trying to outrun in the first place. The things you are running from when you're using will always be waiting for you until you face them. You have to fully let go and heal the inside, too. Don't give up. You aren't losing your progress; you're just learning what you need to heal to make it stick this time. One day at a time. 
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Walk through life with God and his will. Do not compare others journey to yours. You are doing great and the community supports you.
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Hmu