Worked step four.
Have you ever looked at yourself and what you thought was you really wasn’t who you thought you were?? Let me explain; I thought of myself as this patient, generous, Shirt off your back kind of person but when looking at the mirror, maybe not.
See, my mom packed up and left our family when I was 12. She left me with a father that was a wreck with 2 older brothers to take care of. I did the cooking, cleaning and ironing, the “wifely duties”. Every time I went out with my friends I felt guilt for my father who was at home, crying (alcoholic who was getting sober) I fixed everything. This one event I let define me.
So…. I have had moments of FEAR of abandonment, fear of not being validated , fear of not being loved,
Fast forward to fear of homelessness, etc I’ve been in trouble with the law… I’ve hurt people, physically. I’m not proud of that.
Having an understanding of my fears, I can understand why I always have this feeling of being the victim. It’s a feeling I battle so much. I realize why I feel out of control as a victim but in actuality I am IN control. I am in complete control to control to-manipulate, manipulate the situation, the person(s). I have complete control on how I react to the situation. I can be passive aggressive, etc.
I realized something else this last 2 weeks in step 4. I was stuck on step 3 for some time, l2-3 months because it’s about surrender, yet surrendering for me, for me, personally, was not having to fight anymore, right? Let go, let god?
I was raised with a Jewish mother/Mormon father whom felt they would let us children decide for ourselves. Imagine growing up in Utah with basically Atheist parents. I was lost and have always felt lost on the subject of prayer.
I needed to find a way to “connect to my higher power”. Instead of simply looking up, for me, 2 weeks ago i actually dropped, literally, dropped to my knees. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but to me anything worth doing is uncomfortable.. I think that’s what they say?? I do it in the A.M. It has helped me to FEEL a connection like I have not before. It feels magical.
Now for 5 I don’t feel like a good person today but oh well. Can’t sleep.
I’ll figure it out.
Thanks for everything. Love this site!
This is a picture of my recovery dog, had to share. Bodie.
