I made it a point in my sobriety to continue to be myself, and time again, I am confronted with people who shoot me down and stifle my self-expression.
It's puzzling because it happens when I am happy or excited about something. Sometimes, it's when I'm having fun, goofing off, joking, or being expressive.
It's like this force that taints what could be a perfectly fun and joyous experience into a tense, stressful, and disheartening occasion.
It makes me shut down, conform to the same miserable state as whomever is being this way, or overly strive to appease the other person so we can actually have a good time together.
It is exhausting and unnatural.
I am naturally extroverted and social. I love close intimate connections with other people. I also love going out and doing activities together.
I find myself spending so much time alone because of this.
I value my relationship with myself, but life for me is fulfilling when I have shared experiences with others.
I make a conscientious effort to not bring my emotional baggage into social situations.
I dont always have to play the entertainer, but I don't compensate for my crappy mood by trying to bring others down with me.
A few examples of the encounters I've had with other people:
-
when someone invites me over to hang out, and then ignores me the whole time we are together.
-
when we go somewhere together, and something trivial happens like parking is difficult to find, and they overreact. Sometimes screaming about it, creating a horrible tension in the car, or threatening to leave.
-
when we meet up and they are acting aloof, and giving me short, abrupt answers without expressing the sudden change in their personality.
-
when I'm enjoying myself, expressing myself in a happy or excited way, and they make a snide remark in a condescending tone to me like, "Okay, calm down..."
-
when we are having a good time, and they choose to bring up a serious issue in the midst of the fun, when it could have waited until another time.
-
when they are violent, verbally or physically towards me.
There have been too many people I have ended relationships with or have ended relationships with me over their own abusive or emotionally immature behavior.
It has gotten so bad with some people, they have actually forced me out of homes and out of jobs because of it.
Maybe some people enjoy being miserable together, but I am not one of those people.
I would rather not attract those people in my life. I enjoy harmonious relationships.
In my mind, healthy relationships do not require this much thought and mental inquiry. This is definitely a symptom of the recurrent abuse I faced / face from other people.
I would love to have at least one person in my life I felt truly close with. It's been this way for about a decade already. It is extremely lonely.