Struggling with sobriety

Struggling Help
#1

Hello everyone :wave:t3:

I’ve been sober from fentanyl for 15months now & I was addicted for approximately 6 years. When I chose to get sober I went to my local MAT clinic and got on methadone and luckily I haven’t relapsed at all since I started my recovery journey (knock on wood) with that being said, I’ve never gone to any meetings regarding my addiction, I’ve strictly only been on methadone and went on with getting my life back on track…I am in a relationship but I don’t feel like my partner fully understands my emotions when I try to talk about my feelings when it comes to recovery, which I don’t expect many people to understand, especially if they’ve never gone through addiction themselves but mind you, he is a great person and tries to comfort me when I am feeling down but at times I don’t fully express my feelings because I’m scared of letting anyone down by letting them know I still think about using. He’s helped me so much throughout my sobriety that at times I feel bad for feeling certain ways even though I cannot help it. A little while ago I re connected with a friend of mine that I use to use with (she is sober now too) and when we got to talking she mentioned how she has PTSD from addiction and the town we used to live in. I too feel this way, I had to move away from where I used to use so comfortably and haven’t gone back since I got sober even though my family resides there WITH my children. So when it comes to holidays (like Christmas) it brings up a lot of emotions because I cannot bring myself to go back there without thinking about using and my family does NOT understand addiction and they really don’t care to so it makes it hard when it comes to me seeing my kids (luckily they are teens so we keep in contact via text and FaceTime) anyways. I’m getting off track from what I wanted to say lol, after I spoke with my friend about how she still suffers with ptsd it made me realize that I too suffer from a lot of the signs of ptsd and depression…and I don’t know how to over come the trauma…I often wonder why I even got sober to begin with, since my family really doesn’t care if I’m sober or not, either way they treat me the same way. They are not proud or happy that I’m sober and they don’t try to have any type of relationship with me, it truly makes me feel like a failure no matter how hard I try…but, back to the ptsd/depression…I have really bad dreams about using and about abuse I’ve gone through while addicted I will scream and cry in my dreams to the point where it wakes up my boyfriend and he has to wake me up out of my dream. This happens probably 4-5x a week…and on a daily basis my brain just randomly takes me back to memories of using…I hate to admit it, but I’m not happy like I thought I would have been in my sobriety. I see a lot of people posting on social media about how sobriety has changed their lives for the better and I just feel like a failure because I don’t feel that way…I obviously don’t want to go back to using but all these emotions are hard to deal with, especially when I can’t numb them out with a substance. I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t even want to admit how many times I think about un-a living myself on a weekly basis as well (but I’m not suicidal) it’s just so much to process without sounding insane. & I don’t know how to openly speak about it with my boyfriend because I can’t even fully understand my own emotions so how do I expect someone else to get it?…anyhow I just needed to get this off my chest somehow. But I need answers on how to fully embrace my sobriety and how to overcome all the trauma that’s come with it as well…the reason I chose not to go to meetings is because 1, I’m an introvert lol, 2, cause I’m scared of meeting the wrong people in a new city and 3, I’m scared of meeting those people and relapsing. So if ANYONE understands where I’m coming from and have gotten out of that rut, PLEASE let me know how you did it. I just wanna be happy…

Picture is a before & after.

Thanks for reading ❤️‍🩹

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#2

Have you considered counseling? I have 8 years sober and it's not always a walk in the park. Dealing with the mental aspect of it can be a daunting task and it has been for me.

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#4

I agree therapy has done wonders. Also there are online meetings you can look up.

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#5

Very powerful message…..

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#6

Go to meetings and learn how to talk about it by listening to others share their experiences with you.

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#8

Julie,

That took a lot to get that all out and be open about that. Good job getting it out of your head on here. When the pain of staying the same is to painful than the pain of change you are in a good place. I do understand and online meetings could be a good start. They are eaisily assessable but if you need help finding one let us know and we can point you in the right direction. As soon as you are in the right room you will know. As something amazing happens when we realize that others understand what we are going through. I would tell you that the joy of recovery comes from community. The addicted life is a life of isolation and selfishness, and you should find more joy in your recovery community when you are living a life connected to others who have walked in your shoes. Unfortunately family wont always get it but you can have a new family and friends that you get to choose. :slight_smile:

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#9

Thanks for this super real share. You are in the right place with people who understand what you might be going through.

Meetings saved my life. Sometimes they were annoying. But more often than not they were stabilizing and provided a place for me to connect authentically, unmasked, often quietly, with another human and share our vulnerability. Because one of the pillars of my recovery was human connection. I think it’s the secret sauce.

Another pillar was yoga. I was so disconnected from feeling my body. Hot yoga provided a framework for me to flush toxins, quiet my mind, relieve my stress and anxiety, boost serotonin, balance dopamine, address my depression. It’s basically a one stop neuro-chemical tune up shop. It doesn’t have to be yoga. But addressing the body’s need to process and move stressors out is an important stabilizing part of sobriety for many. Lots of ways to do it.

Another pillar has been 1:1 and group therapy. For all the reasons.

And another pillar for me has been Somatic Experiencing. I also suffered from PTSD, mine from my childhood traumas. I discovered that my body was in a functional freeze state for most of my life. I had walked thru life with my intellect running the show. But from a holistic lens, we must honor our Emotions and the Body, just as much —if not more— than the Intellect. The Body remembers things that our intellect has reasoned away. Your dreams at night could be your body reliving your stressors, because it has not found a way to cycle thru them. Visualization paired with grounding, visualizations in reparenting myself, and breathwork have been key to healing and releasing the trauma in my body.

If you are on social media you might follow #somaticexperiencing to learn more.

I am so glad you shared this evening. It really helped me. This is an incredible human journey we are on. You don’t have to do this alone.

Thank you again.

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#10

Thank you all so much for the responses, it means a lot to know I am not alone…I will definitely look into some online therapy and/or online meetings and hopefully I can grow out of these emotions keeping me down. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply! :pray:t3: