Apart from marijuana mostly purchased legally in my “second home state” of Washington, I have never had a drug addiction, and I live functionally without marijuana for extended periods, so it’s just a thing I do when it’s the easy high. I have no other drug history.
I’m high on vape marijuana right now, and trying to get into a better headspace. Because on a physical level, life is pushing in on me with such force that, if I wasn’t already always trying to get into a better headspace, moments like this would make me “suicidal”.
But, as I sit with thoughts of wondering why singular human beings go without human contact, my heart hurts. And suicide does not come to mind. No need for anybody to get hurt… But RAGE comes to mind when I consider how some human beings are treating other human beings with so little acknowledgement of the human being within.
I am homeless. I am a married lesbian, with a wife who is trying to divorce me and doing everything to make my heart hurt. I have not given birth to babies in my 40 years, but my wife has separated me from all 4 of our furline littles. My car currently has me stranded in a parking lot, with most of my valuables, and the nearest place for me to feel “safe” is an hour and a half’s drive from here. My wife took all of our money, and I have figured out how to bring in only small amounts of money, living in the backseat of my car, and I’m not sure if the reality of walking those 80ish miles is for me. But if I don’t get help, I’ll do it just to keep moving forward.
I am a privileged white girl. I grew up Southern Baptist and in the school connected. I tested at college level comprehension when I was 10. But we were poor. And a sexually deviant bunch, I’ve come to have memories of, only recently as a 40 year old. I joined the LDS / Mormon church when I was 13 and gave that my all for many years. And then I decided I couldn’t make sense of a church that told me God tied my eternal salvation to whether I drank coffee. And then… after that break, then I became a lesbian.
I am the child of parents who divorced and both left when I was about 3, and I was never taken to any kind of mental health experts to help bridge the gap. I experience abandonment issues almost constantly, and this moment tonight, it feels like that.
Abandoned still by my parents, by most of my friends, by most of my family, church members, church leaders, my pets, my wife…
And then I remember that I’m not abandoning myself. And that’s not suicidal, but I also don’t know what it means for me stickin it out and trying to get out of my current shitty circumstances. So, all that backstory said… I need some encouragement to keep moving forward.