There was a time when my entire life was lived in survival mode.
Not thriving.
Not dreaming.
Not building.
Just surviving.
Every decision was reactive.
Every relationship was chaotic.
Every feeling was either numbed or explosive.
My nervous system didn’t know what calm felt like. It only knew fight, flight, freeze… or self-destruction.
Survival mode looks strong from the outside.
You hustle.
You adapt.
You endure.
But inside? You’re exhausted.
I lived like that for years.
Addiction. Jail. Dead-end love.
Running from grief. Running from myself.
I thought I was resilient.
But really, I was just bracing for impact.
Now?
Now I still have strength… but it’s different.
It’s quiet.
It’s steady.
It chooses pause instead of reaction.
It chooses breath instead of chaos.
Survival mode kept me alive.
But healing mode is teaching me how to live.
I don’t need to fight every battle anymore.
I don’t need to prove I’m strong.
I don’t need to burn everything down when I feel threatened.
I can build.
I can nurture.
I can protect my peace.
There is a version of me who had to be hardened.
And I honor her.
But there is a version of me now… softer, wiser, regulated… who no longer has to live in emergency mode.
And that?
That’s the real power.
— Ivy Rowan 
(My becoming)
Definitely tells my story