Survivors guilt

Struggling Help
#1

I left a very long term relationship a year ago. I was unable to get sober with him, and that was a big part of the reason I left. We were driving each other deeper into dependency despite our best efforts to grow and change and be our best selves.

I have been so happy lately and enjoying the fruits of my labor (just over 7 months sober now). But in the last week or so I've been hit with intense feelings of guilt and regret. What I've been able to liken it to is "survivor's guilt". I know that he is still using and that I broke his heart. I am so happy to be healthy and sober and moving on, and even finding joy in a new relationship. But I'm sabotaging myself because I feel like I don't deserve it because I left him behind.

Anyone experienced something similar? Any tips to help me get back on track and stop sabotaging myself (i.e. avoiding my self care, having cravings, and giving in to tendencies to self-harm through poor eating or not sleeping or other destructive habits that aren't drug & alcohol related)?

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#2

I think the comparison to survivors guilt is spot on. It is a tough thing to see someone who we cared for so deeply lose themselves in addiction and unable to pull themselves free.
Thinking of what was will do you no good.. the quote “don’t bother looking back, you are not going that way” comes to mind. To dwell on the past will do nothing but dominate your healing. Look at what you HAVE done. 7 months is amazing! Rock on with that. A new relationship… exciting, adventuresome.
We can not change what happens or beg, please, or bribe someone into sobriety. You can control your own fate. Look to the NOW not the future, not the past, and you will get through it.

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#3

Yes, you are not alone in thinking this. I get it as well. Its hard to rationalize or put logic on , but it's real

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#4

That's actually a sign of you wanting better for yourself and self care and not wanting that toxicity in your life. I think that's a HUGE step in the right direction. I was the guy that would always have to get drunk every weekend even if it annoyed an ex girlfriend that's just what it was not until I was ready to make a change for myself for that happen. I've been sober for 2 years and 8 months and single for almost 5 years now. People won't get sober unless it truly affects them at the very bottom rock bottom or something tragic happens to them where it gives them no choice. Proud of you for looking out for yourself.

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#5

As much as you care it is not on your shoulders. Pray and wish him well but protect yourself. Don’t let his using distract you from your growth. You saved yourself when you moved on and there is no shame and nothing wrong with that.

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#6

He doesn’t use because you left. He uses because he’s an addict.

You improving your life did not happen at the expense of anyone else. It’s just not his time yet. But when it is his time, you will be a role model for him. Proof it can be done. Your success is for him, in that way.

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#7

You both had a choice to make. You made yours and he made his. When you feel this way, think about how things would have gone if you stayed in the relationship (and continued using). Play that tape all the way through. Don’t feel guilty about loving yourself enough to want better.

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#8

Struggle with this myself a lot!
Serenity prayer helps me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Work on yourself is all you can do! Be a power of example. Shine so bright it burns their eyes

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#9

Thank you all! Just reading your support has helped. The serenity prayer actually came to me last night and helped soothe me. I will keep that in my back pocket.

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#10

An ex who I cared deeply for passed a few years after we broke up. Still 15 years later I wonder what could have happened if I tried to get her to sober up more. It's currently one of the things that motivates me to stay clean. I don't want any of my loved ones to think they didn't do enough.

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