I've had a very hard 3 weeks. Was sober for over 6 months and had a brief (thankful) relapse. I was actually in search of and had thoughts of stronger street drugs that have destroyed much of my adult life up until 6 months ago or so and eventually I even found myself homeless. I woke up (when I finally passed out from exhaustion) with the only goal in my life to get high and stay high for as long as I could until my body would give out. I cared little to nothing about anyone or anything any longer. Just new the drugs and or lifestyle or both would eventually kill me. And that was my goal. I've been in a halfway house and program now after the death of my only person I'd venture to call friend or person that I did care for by overdose in the hotel room we shared. I couldn't do it anymore. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and very closely near physically I was close to dead. Thankfully I've survived and have been able to move forward. I've been blamed, accused, put down, emotionally blackmailed and guilted into feeling that I almost destroyed other people's lives because of my poor decision and relapse 3 weeks ago And I won't do it anymore. I have felt bad enough. I knew my consequences fully that I could be suspended and or kicked out. As I was for 3 days and 2 nights prior to all of this. Other females in the house were also suspended and have continued to place blame on me and my poor decisions and not their own poor decisions as well. They made those decisions, not me. At the end of the day and no amount of guilt or shame or put downs is going to change that or the outcome and today I'd had enough and am letting go. I know my motivations and my poor decisions very well. I did not and have not done anything w the intent to hurt anyone else and I won't suffer for it any longer. If they choose to, that's on them. I am thankful to God and to my support system (including this community) for helping me to see this and be able toive forward.
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You’ve gotten through harder things than this before. You have great support and the willingness to try. Proud of you
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