The cycle

Recovery
#1

I've been feeling like i won't ever be worth the work of this, determined by observation of only my wife who matters more than other people who may observe it to me, because I feel like I'll always be told I'm work from here on, knowing I won't because I don't ever give up, knowing I have demonstrated without understanding my output, that I have.

This cycle of feeling defined by the problem is every alcoholism story I’ve heard though, recently at least, with people they love unless they stay quiet about their self respect otherwise.

They and me were defined. That is an important aspect of this note to emphasize.

So it remains in such situations that one must always remain quiet but demand to themselves that how they feel can't matter in front of those who have then learned to define it with them even as they chose help. Even as they need simple love anyway to do this work of recovering, yet I and many other stories have loved so strongly before and after recovery, wondering who we were or saw as before and then wondering who we are or are now seen as again.

Recovery and recovery people’s close voices they trust are not permanent, but, when married, come with a vow.

Who broke it? Alcoholics, alcoholics’ wives’ or alcohol itself?

And now I might understand what it means to be black or gay in a weird way.

And that's worth writing about too.

I’m writing a book about recovery from my perspective and sometimes it ends up here.

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#2

To be clear, I am comparing the assumptions people make about race and sexuality because I feel like I’ve seen this self fulfilling prophecy before.

And I never knew that adversity as a middle class white man who has studied philosophy.

And now this land of judgement has given birth to a writer who will make philosophy answer to self fulfillment in many more places.

The difference between a scientific theory and and scientific law is this:

Theories are tested with the same variables enough times to provide an answer in specific circumstances.

Laws are found to exist regardless of the situation we ask them to prove.

Maybe there is a law or a theory here in all of these self fulfilling places

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#3

The kicker:

I think just confirmed after 12 years that I have been in a very deeply abusive relationship.

But I don’t even know if that was before or after the alcohol recovery.

I genuinely have no idea if my alcoholism was fueled by it, which is maybe philosophy for saying: “I’m pretty sure I have been abused for long enough to have needed a reason to drink a lot”

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#4

But I would never blame this on someone

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#5

And I have no idea how to understand philosophy and alcoholism at the same time without having another epiphany that sounds something to the effect of

“I think therefor I am”

“I drank therefor can we please stop talking about what is wrong with me for long enough to remember anything good about myself?”

Bit of a poorly constructed joke, but really.

When do we get out from under the definition? Who’s responsible for getting out?

The person going through the recovery or the ones close to them?

Usually it’s the ones close to people I’m healthy relationships or family’s who step in and realize it’s time to love a heck of a lot more.

I have found that this is only happening between addicts though.

Is it brotherhood/sisterhood born in this space, or how many of you just getting hurt every time you try to fight, and learning you need to be a powerful Avengers character with a superpower in order to get passed who speaks to you, defining this unfortunate event that you alone are responsible for dealing with?

Before alcoholism was something I decided I needed to address, people close to me used to listen to every word I said.

Now it’s a very different few seconds of silence that I alone notice in conversations when people used to wait for me to finish my sentences.

Is it a “if a drunk admits his issue and tries to solve it does he or she make a sound?” Sort of issue today for me personally.

And you? I don’t know. But I suspect you may know what I mean.

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#6

Did we come from abusive relationships or produce them?

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