For months and months I have sat waiting to be found out- waiting for the rug to be ripped out from under me. I finally made the decision to stop waiting for it and to do it myself, so this morning I told my husband about my addiction. And the second the rug was gone I wanted it back. “What have I done?” Was the only thought in my brain that, seconds before, had felt strong and brave. I was immediately shameful and was not met with the support I had hoped for. I was met with a lot of silence and very little comfort. This was really hard for me and, of course, regret flooded me.
After having some hours away from that conversation, I feel grateful that my husband allowed his response to be genuine. I need accountability and my addiction impacts the people I love. It was a lesson for me that I can’t have expectations of things being easy or going a certain way. I am cycling between feeling gratitude toward myself for having courage, and the honest feeling of “why didn’t you wait?”
I feel encouraged by everyone’s journeys and realize now (and also realize this moment will not stay forever, but will instead come as a visitor) that just like addiction, recovery is much bigger than me. And in that I feel comfort, not fear.
