Before breakfast each morning I ask God to bless the food. During this prayer I became very emotional and shed a few tears. I was praying for my ex-wife to heal, to live a joyous life, to forgive me for my past behaviors, for God to give me the courage to reach out to her to schedule an amends, I begin to feel a lot of emotions all over. Just a wave and then the tears. This lasted about 5 minutes or so. Absolutely zero thoughts of drinking or using. An overwhelming sensation to call her did come up.
As I was driving to work I asked God again for the willingness through prayer. Again those same emotions came back. Tears filled my eyes. I had to stop off at the lumber yard. As I left the lumber yard I dialed her number. My heart was pounding. I get very nervous. It went to voicemail. I left her a message saying who I was, and that I was wondering if she would give me 10-15 minutes of her time at a date and time of her choice I would like to discuss a few things. Let me as soon as you can. Ok thanks.
That was the most gut wrenching feeling/experience I had in this amends process. We haven’t spoken in over 2-1/2 years. We co-parent through our 16 year old… not my choice. She has a restraining order against me. I’ve respect this restraining order. But my attorney said I can have peaceful contact with her. I do have some fear behind this restraining order. It’s up in January on the 26th.
I was really just getting sick of feeling crappy and that’s why I finally had to reach out to her. After talking to a few fellows in the program it’s up to her if she wants to talk or see me or both. God wants me to practice patience. I thought I’d give it a few weeks and send her an honest letter. Going to ask God about that one and a few more fellows.
As I write this, I’m being reminded of other ways I need to practice patience in my life. That’s an amazing insight right there. Well, I guess time will tell when she’s ready.