I relapsed May 11, 2021 after being sober from alcohol and drugs since September 2018. Since then I’ve tried numerous times to stay sober and my mind continues to convince me otherwise. I’ve had many blackouts and terrible things happen since then. I recently had another episode which thing progressed and I picked up something else. I’m not happy with myself. I feel defeated. I’m writing this because I need to let out what I feel inside and feel I can’t say this to others because I’ve repeatedly lied and said I’ll be sober to no avail. My credibility and self respect has gone out the window. I’m writing this now because I don’t want to do this anymore. I want a better life. I handled some of the hardest things in my life sober and also received some of the best things during my sobriety - new job, no anxiety or remorse, no dread, rest and peace of mind. I’m determined to no longer go down this road for myself. I cannot have one drink and it’s proven because I told my boss last year I’d have a glass of wine during my business trip and finished two bottles. That night I broke down to my family about my relapse but I knew deep in my heart it wouldn’t be my last drink and my journey back to sobriety was going to be long and challenging. The alcoholic in me had other plans and I know they lead me nowhere but pain and unhappiness. Thanks for letting me share.
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Going through a similar struggle Miles, yesterday I finally hit my bottom and to be honest, the relief was louder than the shame/self torturing. Wishing you strength and peace 
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