I arguably need more help than anybody in my family. Once making close to six figures I'm no longer able to work due to disability. My two little brothers get all the help they need with anything. They can both work they just don't control their spending. I don't receive Social Security Disability all I get is what I get from the va. I pay child support for two children based upon money that I haven't made in 3 years. Yet I feel like I always get the back burner. I've always felt that way since a child. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of being dependent on my parents at 43 years old yet I know that I get less help than anybody and I'm left to feel like the biggest burden. Tired of that. Tired of the everyday pain and the BS that comes along with it. Tired of living to be honest. Very very tired
Josh, I’m so glad you reached out. Talking about it takes the power out sometimes of the situation and our perspective I understand the feeling of being tired and wondering what’s the point. That’s our disease talking, our mental health talking, And this too shall pass as I’m sure you already know. I’m sending out Good vibes and prayers for you.
Really, it seems inevitable. Why am I drawing it out? To what end? A sad, selfish, inevitable end.
But the pain sucks soooo bad. Ruptured s1-l5. Herniated 5/ and 4/3. Fractured pelvis both sides. Tailbone with 7 fractures. Amd I was denied social security disability for the 5th time. I haven't worked in 3.5 yrs. I made almost 6 figs when I did. You think I wouldn't work if I could? I loved what I did. Anyways? Broken Azz record...
But it won't. I live with a physical pain that never sleeps, never tires. In the 20+ yrs since my accident it has only gotten worse. The VA gives zero shits. I want to go back a few yrs to the (2) months when I learned how to put the pain to sleep. It is called fentanyl. A clean syringe and a dirty spoon, and I felt about nothing. It was the most peace i have had literally in longer than i can recall. I want to feel that now. Soooo bad. I want to go to sleep and if this pain is waiting for me to awaken, I want to stay asleep. Forever. My kids would not appreciate that which is why I don't. Sometimes though, even that just don't seem like enough.y
I haven't struggled this bad in two and a half years of sobriety
Thank you for sharing all of this pain and suffering… Thank you for your service and I say that very genuinely. Please call your friends and your sponsor and reach out to anyone and everyone you know. You are not alone.
Thank you and I will. Voicing it all helped. I never do. Knowing I hit 3mo at midnight also helped. Should have been 2yrs but for one night of weakness. I will call my sponsor in the morning. Thank YOU Kendra. No one else even had the nerve to respond. I often feel alone in my suffering tho every trip to the VA is a stark reminder otherwise.
Josh I am sorry to read that you are not receiving the support that you need, seemingly from anyone.
The endless bureaucracy of military retirement seems so hard. I pray you find strength to carry on your fight for life. For sobriety. For family.
Congratulations! That’s huge Josh, after the day that you had, and all of the emotions that were creeping to the surface in a fierce way. I hope you’re having a great day so far today! One day at a time… Sometimes one minute at a time, and you did it! I’m so happy for you.
Prayers are sent for you my man. I’ve been there.
Thanks Kendra. Today went even worse but it is all done now so be it. I left the toxic situation unfortunately that is where I live and I can't return to the same situation, assuming I am even welcome back. Idk... I have a few days I will be out of state to think it over and pray about it, all the meanwhile thinking of other options as I don't have many sober friends out here so really few viable options assuming, if any. Good news is yes, I am still sober and pretty resilient so I AM confident everything will work out ok.