The Sad Truth

Struggling Help
#1

So here's the sad truth. 1 week into treatment, which is really nothing, and a 3 weeks back, clean. As I replay the tape still I struggle to see much hope. I used most recently to keep from doing much worse. From taking irreversible, live ending action. I regret overdosing. I regret the lives affected. I'm happy the police found me and revived me. At the same time, if I had to do it all over, yet under the exact same circumstances, I wouldn't change the fact that I used fentanyl. I wasn't going to make it through the pain that day. Not under those circumstances.

I spoke with one of the psychologists here and we kinda got into it a bit. She clearly wasn't hearing me and that's OK. She caught herself and apologized. After learning a bit more about the circumstances she actually was able to understand why I made the choice I did and why I still felt the way I do about it.

"You need more experiences, you need a positive experience or 50. Where you have that kind of pain and aren't ready to do anything including unalive to silence the pain.

So my dilemma is this... 20yrs of this pain and I don't think that sprt of experience exists.

The whole ordeal has me questioning everything. I don't dwell on it because there isn't hope in those thoughts. I also don't want to just forget about it and end up in a similar predicament.

I wish someone had the magic answer. I'm tired of no one having any answers that give hope to my situation. If I got my sleep under control, maybe that would be enough. Even this, however, has not improved, despite daily doc visits and multiple changes in meds.

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#2

Josh, for me there wasn’t one single “magic answer”. There were many answers to lots of questions.
However, at the end of the day I accepted that I’m an addict, life can be extremely difficult, but there are better ways to deal with life. And life is also great too! Ups & downs for everyone. As an addict I have some extreme ups & downs.
By thoroughly doing my 12 steps many times, by living with integrity and absolute honesty, I’ve experienced a much more softer & easier way.
Are you working the 12 steps with a sponsor?

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#3

Hi Josh! I’m really glad you are here. I actually see hope in what you are writing. The fact that you have regrets means that you care. That’s a good thing! You shared that you are grateful for being saved, so somewhere inside you, you know that you have value and worth! You are meant to be here. Never doubt that! You are already doing the hard work of seeking healing. Keep at it. This is a process. Do not be discouraged. We are all here for you!

#4

Having pain can not be an excuse to use or drink. Most people that have recovered have endured tremendous pain as well. If you don't believe it (sobreity) can happen to you then it probably won't. There is hope for any addict or alcoholic if they're willing to do the work. Good luck

#6

I'm in agreement that you're DRINKING AND USING CAREER HAS BEEN RUINED. There is no EXCUSE/REASON FOR YOU TO GO BACKWARDS. NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE. STAY THE COURSE. EARLIER ON FOR ME I DID 40 MONTHS OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL TREATMENT. DIAGNOSED AS A MIDDLE STAGE WETBRAIN ALCOHOLIC WITH A DRUG CULTURE. TODAY I'M IN YEAR 37. IS LIFE PERFECT NO. BUT IT IS A LOT BETTER

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#7

I've been unable to find a sponsor yet. Attending meetings regularly. Almost daily but no sponsor, no.

#8

Thank you Susan. This is both encouraging and very helpful. I will try and focus on this for the time being

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#9

Nobody said it was an excuse. I'm simply stating the facts. Between the pain and delerium I saw two options. Option 1, put a gun to my head and blow my f'ing brains iut. Option 2, quiet the pain. After you live half of your life in that kind of pain, come back and lecture me on excuses, yeah?

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#10

Thank you. Compassion goes a long way.

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#11

9166924572 txt me JOSH I WILL BE YOUR SPONSOR

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#12

I will walk you through the process. . YES WE have to deal with being SPIRITUALLY SICK AND DEAL WITH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PAIN. WE HAVE TO STAY SOBER SO WE CAN HEAL. AND PROCESS EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH. BE A LONG TERM THINKER.

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#13

I wish there was a magic pill too

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#14

Right on. I'm trying. Truly. Maybe UT wasn't clear in my post, at the end of the day it's no matter. You speak the truth.

#15

I would greatly appreciate that. It's late. I will text you tomorrow

#16

I’m here. I’m listening to you. I understand and feel a little bit of what I think you may be feeling. I do not know how you feel, but I understand the loss of one’s self in this viscous cycle.

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#17

Thank you Hilary

#18

Hi Josh! I’m just checking in to ask how you are doing this morning? You are in my prayers​:pray::heart:. I’m so glad you are here. Your story is already helping others survive the day. You are never alone. I’m listening to Chris Stapleton sing broken halos. Do you have a song that touches your heart?:heart:

#19

I love that song. Many songs touch my heart. Butterfly kisses make me cry... stupid @$$ song... lol

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#20

But yeah I am well today, so far. Thank you for asking. Any exciting plans for the weekend?

#21

I love that song. 🥹:sob:. I’m not crying, oops that would be a lie.:relaxed:That goes back a ways.

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