The things they don’t tel you about sobriety

Recovery
#1

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy as heck at being sober. I’m proud of myself, feeling better than ever physically, and am financially stable for once.

The hardest part I’ve been having is meeting people and making friends. I’m a shy person by nature, that’s why drinking was great for me in the sense that I was a social butterfly then.
Now I avoid social situations. I love talking to people, I just hate being the first to interact (I know, dumb)
Meeting new friends, women, everything is so hard. There’s no more bar intersections, there’s no more going out with co workers after work exchanges, nothing.
I’ve almost just given up on having friends. I used to have all kinds (of drinking buddies)
Now even my old friends always seem to be busy when I wanna go do something because they feel weird drinking around me.

I guess my question is, how do you find friends while being sober? I have zero problems with my friends drinking in moderation around me or going to a bar for a couple.
I know this sounds pretty stupid, but it’s been 2.5 years and I haven’t really made any friends. I just work, go home, go for walks, and hang out without cat.
Maybe that’s why I joined here? I don’t know.
I don’t go to AA meetings either. I never have. Just not my thing. (I went to like 3 of them when I was questioning my drinking, just not for me)
This has become the hardest part for me, someone who is shy but likes to socialize, after becoming sober.

945×1159 202 KB

16 Likes
#3

Play the long game. You are 2.5 years into redefining your life, health, and wellness, which will give you a longer life span. What could be more impt. Things will fall into place as you evolve into this new world. Lots of opportunities to meet people. Local YMCA where I am in PA has athletic leagues, churches (if that's your thing) have community events, and there are lots of opps for volunteering. Also don't overlook taking a class (cooking?). At a local community college. I could go on. First thing is health and you got that.

1 Like
#4

You have some good points. I was in a YMCA when I first got sober and was using their gym. I did a few activities there. I’m not really against church, but I’m not big on religion either, but I do live right next to a small church that does all kinds of neighborhood activities that I’ve attended (cook outs, kids activities, drives), and is used to play in a men’s hockey league.

I guess looking at the big picture is dealing with my social anxiety. Is this something that I should possibly see a doctor for? I’ve never seen a mental health professional.
Is there medication that helps that? That whole idea is a bit scary to me.

Which could be one of the factors why alcohol was one of my crutches… to help anxiety lol

I’m not depressed like I used to be. The thought of ending my life saddens me now and I can’t believe I was even at that point when I drank. I love life! I just want to share it with people.

I’ll possibly look into some social community classes that my city has. (St Paul, mn) it’s pretty big so there has to be something.
I just need to learn how to involve myself into a conversation without feeling like I’m inserting myself without their approval.

I’m a big guy and people say I look mad a lot even though I’m not what so ever. I get that from my father (thanks dad)

#5

That’s a tough one. I like so many others on here made my connections in AA. The A.A. program also helped me get rid of my fear of people.
Maybe there is a local club to join. I’m a member of several local and national clubs, all around my hobbies. This helps a lot too.

2 Likes
#6

I could be looking at AA wrong.
My previous experience was more so I didn’t like the idea of sitting around with a bunch of people continuously talking about our addiction. I know I have/had a problem. I fixed it. I don’t want to sit around with 20 other people and feel sorry about myself.

Again I’m probably misunderstanding and interpreting what the meetings were about.

I was lucky enough to have a strong sill power to do it cold Turkey and lock myself away for 2 weeks. Then just self coaching. I know not everyone can do that and I don’t expect them to. That was just my journey.

#7

Understood. It’s not for everyone. I had to seek out meetings that were focused on solutions and steer away from the ones that were just bit$h sessions. :laughing:

That aside, whatever your interest and hobbies are, I’m sure there is a club or association related to it. As I said I’m in several local, national, and international cubs. I’ve made great connections.
Volunteer work is another thing. Local charities, municipalities and organizations are always looking for volunteers. I have made great connections there as well. And volunteer situations are always sober interactions.

1 Like
#8

I have this same problem! No advice to give, just letting you know you’re not alone.

1 Like
#9

You bring some great points and examples
Thanks man!!

1 Like
#10

I know what you mean. I have online friends and it seems that I only socialize when it’s for the kiddos. I have found meeting people at the library or volunteer events is good and a neutral ground. I do online meetings that aren’t AA it’s great for a sober community but tough because everyone is all over the globe. Sorry not much advice

1 Like
#11

Still cooking?

#12

You’re welcome.

#13

Yeah when volunteering and such you are often thrust into social situations. I would figure out what you're passionate about and see if you can volunteer in that area. The more volunteering you do the more people you meet.

#14

Mann Moose- I feel like you're talking for me. I feel 100% the same way I'm in the same boat. I'll message you

#15

It really is one of the hardest parts of sobriety. You’re not alone

#16

You say it’s not your thing .. but they have what you are looking for .. I had a sponsor tell me one time just come for the free coffee what else better ya got to do..
Ya never know may make some great friends find new things to do. Go drink some bad coffee and eat crusty cookies what ya got to lose?

#17

I always think that other people are probably as anxious as I am in new social situations. That thought helps me be the one to start a conversation. I’m always surprised how people just want to talk and relate if someone just says hi or shows interest. People everywhere are lonely these days! It’s tough out there…

#18

There’s sober gyms like The phoenix where I live. Maybe they have something like that where you are at? It’s not just a gym. There are so many activities. I understand not liking a 12 step program. There are so many other options. Peer led recovery groups. Just takes a bit of work to find them.

#19

Moose.. the quickest way is to join a club.. if you enjoy reading. Join a book club. If you enjoy hiking ect there are groups and clubs for any hobby you enjoy

1 Like
#20

Look to see if there are any social clubs around your area. If you live in a large area I’m sure there’s one. They meet up and do events together.

1 Like
#21

There is a slight chance that 3 AA meetings isn't enough to form a complete idea of what AA is and isn't.

I got sober in St. Paul at the Summit Club in 1982 (its still there).

There are many different types of AA meetings; speaker meetings, discussion meetings, step meetings, reading meetings, women's meetings, men's meetings, eating meetings, beginners meetings.....and they each have there own emphasis and flavor.

And then there is the "meeting before the meeting " and the "meeting after the meeting "...a chance for you to practice your fledgling social skills with other folks just as self-conscious as you.

Who knows, give it a chance and you might like it?

3 Likes