The tracked-marked junkie Vs. Anhedonia

Sober Curious
#1

So,

One of my greatest fears, when I face up to the fact that I absolutely have to get sober and sooner rather than later. Is the fact that I will almost certainly face a year or more of feeling zero joy from anything.

I'm 35, I have zero reservations about the fact that I am an addict. I have zero reservations about the fact that I am rapidly experiencing a decline in both cognitive function and physical health. I have been using since I was 15. I spent the majority of my 20s homeless and strung out on opiates and alcohol. I used to experience seizures and hallucinations from the withdrawals. I had pancreatitus at least four times. I managed to get sober and off of the streets at 28 and I spent the next two years in abject misery. Getting zero joy and zero fulfillment from anything. I relapsed on meth and I was still taking suboxone. Then later, I started taking phenibut to manage the severe anxiety and Paranoia. Now I am intravenously using the meth and still taking 16mgs of suboxone and 2 grams of phenibut daily. Incredibly, I have managed to keep my job, my gf, and my place. But I am under no illusions that I could lose everything and soon. My gf already suspects and my job might as well. I desperately need to quit. I know I am in for the withdrawal of my life. I know that my gf will inevitably find out but I have a better chance of keeping her if I go into telling her with a plan. Terrified? Completely. Dreading a life free of basically the only things that made life worth living? Big check. My question is, does it ever get better? With the insane amount of damage I have done to my brain, will I ever be able to experience joy? Should I just keep using until the bitter end? As someone who has felt protracted withdrawals, I know its quite possible that I will feel some form of withdrawals for the rest of my life.

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#2

Hey brother! This is a tough read. I hear the fear and hopelessness in your words. I have personally heard and seen many miracles in my years in/out of recovery. Others with similar or worse situations s have found peace and happiness in recovery. You said you had 2 miserable years of sobriety. What did you do during those 2 years? How did you stay sober for 2 years? Have you gone to any NA meetings? I imagine you have been introduced to recovery programs. Regardless of your past experiences, I suggest you go asap. You will meet others with similar experiences. You will find hope once again. You can overcome this, and become an inspiration to others suffering with this disease. There’s a seat waiting for you. There are brothers waiting for you to show up. They want to help you. Please give it a real try. I believe this is your way out of misery, and best chance to find peace and serenity

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#3

Well to be honest, I didn't go to meetings after the 1st year. I stayed sober with a combination of my fear of homelessness and I was taking suboxone. Still am.

#4

I get it. Most of us don’t want to go to meetings. Let’s be honest brother. Some of us are sicker than others. Some are in the early stages of their addiction, and maybe they can find an alternative way. Guys like us…we need a strong daily program!! I think you already know it. Go get some help. We hate to ask for it, but it’s time to give up all the mental bull💩 our minds tell us, and get help. Give yourself a chance brother. We need guys like you to make it, and show others how it’s done. You will find one of those guys in a meeting, and he will show you

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#5

Your message sounds what I went threw and hit hard. I’m 37 and 20 years of addiction. Your strong bro to have a gf, a job, and be an addict. Sobriety seems easier if you think about it. I was their and on methadone and those withdrawals are a B it’s no joke man. Tapper off but don’t stop. Rome wasn’t conquered in one day

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#6

Agreed. It would be beyond foolish to quit everything All at once. I will probably continue to take suboxone

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#7

When I stopped using methamp bro I slept for like two weeks and it was the best two weeks ever, my brain was relaxed my body gained wait my color came back but I also did stay on methadone

#8

I actually eat more now than before I relapsed. I actually can't sleep without meth

#10

I appreciate hearing that. I often forget that. That to keep going inevitably ends very very badly.

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#11

Maybe you can try and find little slivers of joy as you start recovery and build on that. Us addicts are so used to the big highs and low lows we can get stuck on the level feelings. Maybe just “I made it thru one week sober” or “I was honest with my gf and she is supportive” can be little pieces of joy you hang on to! You can do it!