The truth is, I’m lonely and I don’t know how to describe it. It just really hurts sometimes. I normally just pretend I’m fine or I dissociate from it. It’s getting hard to ignore it. I will probably delete this post. I can’t stomach the idea that someone with good intentions might say some platitudes. Good intentions aren’t enough sometimes. I can’t pray this away. Any more than I can rationalize it. Or intellectualize it. Logic it. Analyze. Give it labels.
Sometimes I hurt. And it sucks. I wish I had someone to hold me that I felt safe with. I don’t. I have people I know in recovery. None of them I’m particularly close too. I try. It never happens. None that I could call at 1:30 am in pain. None that would drop anything to see me. Or let me sleep on their couch if I was homeless. So just because I’m in recovery, doesn’t mean I’m not still on the outside, looking in. That hasn’t ever changed. I’m lonely. That’s all there is too it.