The ups and downs are getting harder
I have a lot yo be grateful for but I just seem to not realize it. I had such a hard day today. Sad, wanting to cry and just stuck in that mood all day long. Made work even harder. Many thoughts of why keep going where on my mind. If staying sober is going to be this way I am questioning why do I wabt ti put myself thru it. Dont kneo what to do.
You need to find a support group. Frfr every time I feel like that I pick up the phone and call another alcoholic or addict. And then I realize Iām not alone. And in my experience it sucks at first but after I stuck with it for a while it got easier and now I actually have a life. Praying for you. 
I feel you I mess up alot if I don't keep my mind 100% busy all I can think of is why put myself though all the things I do when I'm not using when I can just take a hit and almost all those things go away but then come the problems with what I take so it's a lose lose a catch 22 you have to look deep down in you to find the strength and will power to keep your self responsible not to use again if you fall of the horse you have to get right back on keeping clean and staying clean or you will get scared and not do what you need to do to respect and recover yourself from this disease we have keep fighting