When is enough,enough?
I know better.
I know I am hurting myself.
I knew it when I was drinking, and what stopped me then was breaking a promise to my daughter. I asked her the next day how I could make it up to her. Her response was: you can't. Unless it never happens again.
In that split second, I knew I could never drink again or I would break promises to her and I don't want to do that.
I haven't drank since Feb 16, 2013. I don't feel the need for a drink, I actually don't crave it, I know I act a fool and the next day, or days, it's constant depression and panic attacks.
I do see people getting that tipsy calm and I miss that, but I know I can't even have the one or two drinks that would cause that. Two would turn to all the alcohol available and then more if the store were still open.
I definitely turned to food.
I got very overweight. This was doubled with being in a very abusive relationship (physical, emotional, financial, verbal) and I think it was just something to lean on. (Not in said relationship any longer, proud to say I left and he leaves me alone)
I tried eating proper, I exercised, but the bigger I got, the harder it was to move. I went to my doctor and she offered weight loss drugs, but they would have horrible interactions with my antidepressants and anxiety medications, so my psychiatrist said: nope.
I was offered weight loss surgery (I had a gastric sleevectomy) but it took 5 years to get the surgery.
I'm down a lot of weight and can move freely and do exercise regularly.
There is this thing called transfer addiction, I'm sure many of you are familiar.
And, I definitely have that.
If someone has any pain meds, I'm buying. If I can't find someone with a legit prescription (because I'm not taking anything from a stranger and no heroin or fent for me, too scary)
But then some one told me, hey, when you take 4 or 5 Tylenol 1s (purchased over the counter) it's like taking Tylenol 3s. Well, I couldn't not take em... But they stopped working at about 12 pills at a time and I was kinda concerned, like whoa, 12 at a time and I'm feeling nothing.
Then a lightbulb, robaxacet... I remember when my back first started hurting and just 2 of those was pain free and an amazing calm.
Well, let just say, I'm up to 10 at a time, a few times a day.
I kicked it for a few months after about a year. Then I was sitting around with family and they were all drinking and smoking pot and I felt left out, I felt like I couldn't celebrate, I couldn't even eat the food they had brought (chips and baked treats and junk food, cause you know, I used to be fat and I can't go back there)
I snuck in and stole a few of a family members hydrocodone. Took em and felt like I was in the celebration.
The next day, I wanted more, and all I could get was robaxacet.
I took them for a few more months, then told everyone I had effed up again. They all said, mistakes happen and I thought, ok, I'm done.
One day, for no reason, I walked into the pharmacy and bought those t1s. Popped 7 off the bat and felt the calm.
Not even 4 days later, I was at 10 a time, I needed the robaxacet.
I'm upto 10 at a time to feel anything, but with that is coming sever stomach aches (even though I know what's causing them, I googled acetomenephin poisoning, and yup, first sign, stomach pain and vomitting)
I'm not vommitng, but I am eating soda crackers and Pepto like they're a food group.
I went to sleep tonight wondering if my organs were gonna shut down while I slept.
I woke up at one, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep.
The robaxacet is in my med cupboard and the t1s and both are also in my glove compartment in my car.
I've been trying to convince myself I'm awake because I'm worried about money and other life stuff, but I'm scared my insides are gonna shut down. And I'm scared to ask a medical professional for help because I take clonazepam for severe anxiety and panic (oddly, i don't and won't abuse that, because I'm terrified of it being taken away, and the panic attacks will make me unalive myself, it too scary, it's absolutely horrific how bad it is)
So, Ive never told a doctor that I'm an alcoholic and I certainly haven't divulged that I love pain killers or what I'm currently doing.
I can't tell my loved ones again that I've effed up. I'm not telling my doctors because there goes my anxiety meds (yes I know that sounds like addiction, yes it's a crutch, without them, I am agoraphobic)
Anyway, I'm writing all this in hopes that tomorrow morning, when light breaks and no one's home, before I go to work, I can grab all the pills, bring them down to the garbage room and throw them out, in those gross, disgusting, huge bins for the whole building. I won't flush em, thats a bad idea environmentally and I fear if I bring them to the pharmacy they will know what I've been doing and flag my file. I know they dispose of them correctly, but I don't want any one to know. (Maybe I hit a pharmacy I don't use and won't use?)
And maybe it's time for AA or NA. Whichever.
I feel like garbage and I don't want to.
Sorry for the long post. Just had to get it all out. It makes it real.
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Enough is enough when you had enough. Recovery is simple but not easy. I am very open about it today.
It’s over when you stop digging.
For me, it’s stopping and standing still…no longer chasing the things that baffle and confound. Peace came to me where I stand!
I did not realize your post went way beyond your stopping drinking in 2013…the past 13 years sound like sheer h_ _ _!!! I am so grateful you are here and being transparent…you’re halfway to a meeting…NA or AA…
I’m checking in on you. How are you doing today. Please dm me.