This isn’t a burning desire which is put this under

Recovery
#1

This isn’t a burning desire which is put this under Recovery.

I’m experiencing this kind of all-encompassing shame that supersedes all other emotions. Specifically, it’s harder and harder to look myself in the mirror knowing what my parents have sacrificed.

The monetary aspect is just a part of it. I always prided me on being self-sufficient and while I’m getting back in my feet, my parents are paying all my bills.

But this is coupled with the emotional toll my addiction has had on them. They’ve spent more than a decade dealing with arrests, hospitalizations, the sheer stupidity that accompanies substance abuse. I’ve ruined holidays, vacations, birthdays. These are all moments my parents will never have.

Everyone is going to suggest showing my gratitude through maintaining clean time and living a fuller, better life. I still feel so sad embarrassed, negatively affected humility, and to be completely honest if my parents were not around I likely would have killed myself by now.

#2

Hit post too soon. Basically, will I ever let go of this shame? How do I learn to love myself despite all the horrors I’ve included my parents in.

#3

It's possible that you won't "let go of it", but I hope you don't let it define you. The musical Les Miserables was only the smallest portion of the original novel. Let yourself finish your life-novel with those horrors as just the smallest of chapters. Good luck!

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#4

You may let go one day, the saying is Let go Let God, should be truly grateful you still have parents. Now it time to move forward, Don’t let the past define who you are today. For 30 days try and look in the mirror while brushing your teeth and tell yourself I love you. I promise you by the 30 th day you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and truly love yourself. It’s All about One day at a time, I’m sure your parents love you unconditionally and only want you to do better for yourself. Your right you can’t give back what’s happened in the past all the shame, the guilt, sleepless nights, holidays, birthdays, it’s in the past. Moving forward look at you today and be grateful. Tell your parents you appreciate them, you love them, and continue to show your gratitude towards them. They will truly see the beauty in you today. Reminder don’t ever forget your bottom because one day you can help another Alcoholic/Addict by sharing you experience, strength and hope. Be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself your so worth it. Best wishes Cindy :purple_heart:

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#5

Hello CW: It sounds like your parents really love you, and maybe your self-esteem is so low right now that you can't accept that. I didn't look at your profile, so I don't know how long you've been clean, but if you're working the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, then these things will be addressed in the long-term. Have you spoken to your sponsor about this? Let's be friends, cause I've been there.

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#6

I'm in Manhattan, btw.

#7

Happy to be friends, I need all the insight I can! I’ve pssed 4 months so still very much new to learn.

I’m jersey City so would to take this offline and grab a coffee sometime.

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#8

I suggest working the 12 steps of recovery, I’ve felt what you have described and my hard work doing the steps to the best of my ability has removed all of this from me. I am a free man

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#9

As an update, things have gone bad to worse. My parents simply don’t understand, which is fine, but hearing my mom say “I hope your future isn’t spending all your time with addicts” is hurtful and unfair. Everyone has given great advice, but at this point I think I need to understand the reality of this and simply leave my parents.
This really sucks though and hopefully isn’t forever.