This year has been both ugly and kind to me. Addiction took much of my year away and many things that I took for granted. I didn't realize how selfish I was in my addiction, especially to the people I love the most, my children. I turned into a mother that they could not recognize. I was constantly hurting not only them but my mother and siblings. I dropped the ball and let this disease sink its teeth in me. I had a beautiful baby girl in June but had to give up temporary custody to the state because I was using.
I have many, many, many regrets over this past year. I got sober in the Summer and got my kid's and family's hopes up only to let them down again. But that's addiction, it's cunning, baffling and powerful. It is a disease of the brain and it's hard to get away from. But we can if we put the work in.
I have made many changes over the past two almost three months. I moved away from home leaving those that mean the most behind to save my life. In the process of being on my own so far away I did something I never thought I would be able to do, I learned how to rely on just myself. I have become so strong and so confident in myself because of this. I've always been codependent whether that be men, my family or other things in my life such as drugs. For the first time I have learned to love myself and to trust myself and know that I can do this on my own and it is so liberating.
People ask me if I regret my addiction, and I answer honestly which is no. I do not regret my addiction but I do regret the hurt that caused my loved ones while I was in addition. It might not make sense to those of you who do not suffer from this disease, but I am grateful for it because it made me who I am today.
I will not go into this new year making promises to anyone. I am taking everything one day at a time. I am living in the here and now. I am walking the path that my God is putting in front of me. Because I have faith that he will not lead me astray.
I am so grateful for the sober family that I am building out here for myself. It is so humbling to have people who understand what I am going through. I am not embarrassed to talk about my addiction because they understand me. I have met so many beautiful and amazing people this past month and in the city that I'm making my home. I am so excited for what this new year will bring. Whether it be good or bad I am ready especially with the tribe that I have behind me. I know that if I start to fall all I need to do is pick up my phone and choose through one of the many contacts I have and no without a doubt they will be there for me and this is such a blessing.
I love you all so much and I wish you a Happy New Year.
Happy New Years Eve!!! I hope the next year bring you much joy and happiness