I've had to rebuild one too many times that i just dont have the motivation for it anymore. I'm spent. I need the things I want and need to come to me easily and effortlessly. I put so much time, energy, and resources into creating a life for myself when I was in AZ that after it fell apart and I found myself in a new area and in NJ, i just dont have the same enthusiasm and excitement of getting to know people and connecting like I used to do. It is lonely. I know i want and need people in my life but i dont even have my familiars anymore. They all left about 7 or 8 years ago. I have my mother but shes changed drastically that i dont even feel a close bond with her anymore. Somedays it feels like some unseen force actually actively pushed these relationships from my life to make me lonely and miserable knowing how important support and connection is, not only in life in general, but especially in recovery.
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Ask yourself why you would need to be alone right now. Maybe you need to find out something about yourself. We have to know ourselves and love ourselves in order to help and love others. I'm grateful for my solitary moments, even right now in the midst of one. Stay prayed up. You'll turn out.
Just do it. It’s okay. Be relentless in your pursuit of excellence.