Good morning, everyone! I hope y’all are hanging in there, the holidays can be a challenging time.
I’ve been struggling quite a bit. I’ve noticed when I start making progress, I put the pedal to the metal. Every dmn time. For the month of December, I worked hard to create a budget & a plan to keep track of my spending/income. I’ve been writing down how much I make in tips every shift, and I bought a little notebook to carry with me. I write down EVERY purchase, and then I categorize it (grocery, cat needs, etc.) On top of that, I decided to do a 30 day fitness challenge this month as well. Why not, right? eye roll I ALSO (notice a theme here?) decided to schedule my first appointment for EMDR. On top of that, I’ve been picking up extra shifts at work to save money, so that I can buy gifts for my loved ones. As you might expect, this lady started to experience some burn out. I reached out & let my new doctor know that I wanted to wait until January to begin EMDR. I actually messaged him, and didn’t just blow it off. I’ve still stuck with my budgeting & my work-outs, they’ve been a really good edition to my routine. I’m just making sure I’m doing HONEST check-ins with myself, and making sure I’m feeling up to it.
So all of this was leading up to my quick recap of what happened yesterday. I’ve been feeling so glum, & going back & forth on buying a Christmas tree for my apartment. I’ve always loved Christmas, but there’s a lot of complicated feelings & emotions that come with healing from childhood trauma/getting sober/being an aware human in 2022. But I’ve been working SO hard to better my life & stay sober, so I made the decision to walk to Wal-Mart & pick out a tree! I found a really cute one, it’s rose gold (my fave) & about four feet tall, so nothing too crazy! But a tree of my own. I picked out a handful of ornaments & some iridescent tinsel. I paid & walked out, feeling so proud of myself. As I was walking home via the crosswalk, some a**hole yelled out their window “get a fcking car.” NOW. Clearly, this person was just being a fck face. But I’m a human being, and it still hurt my feelings. It had taken so much effort to get to the point where I was able to walk & get that FCKING TREE. It was cold out, I was depressed, like, DON’T YOU THINK I MAYBE WOULD PREFER HAVING A VEHICLE?! Everything just overwhelmed me, & it really ruined the outing for me. I’m still working on not letting people get under my skin so much, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t. Everything is just very raw right now, and that’s going to be my normal for awhile. Letting myself feel those emotions has been really important. Growing up, anger & sadness always had such negative connotations. So letting myself feel those emotions in all of their complicated entirety has been VITAL. I just remind myself to try my best to not let them overtake me. Sorry for the long post, it’s just been a week! I have the day off today, and I do love my Christmas tree. I’m glad I made the effort to WALK and get one.
So cool that you went out and got yourself a tree!!! There’s a sh!t ton of sick people out there that are clueless. I get it that it hurt you. I had to acknowledge in recovery that I’m a sensitive person too. I’m not that laid back chill nice guy that I tried desperately to be. Childhood trauma teaches many of us shut down those feelings to protect ourselves. Let’s just be grateful that we can feel today. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We just need to feel, deal, and heal. So, I think you did pretty darn well for yourself!!! You got your tree, you felt your feelings, and you’re sharing them in order to be real and heal!! It’s a win win for you today
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m definitely working on realizing that people who say/do things like that are probably in pain themselves, & that it’s not a reflection on me. BUT that being said, I can still feel hurt by those words/actions & try my best to move on & not let it ruin my day!
Do not let this person get you down! I have been yelled at while biking, and I thought about it for months afterwards. I came to the conclusion that the person who yells out their window at a stranger has some serious issues in their life, there is no way they are proud of the person that they are. Hopefully someday they will realize what they are doing. Please do not allow this troubled person to steal your joy this Christmas! You are loved!
Thank you, Anna!!